1) Mushy-mushy feelgood pics with similarly titled link: True Love Does Exist
Nope, no can do. Tried, I really did, to hold it in – but then Shaggy comes to mind (It Wasn’t Me). That’s a cheat. Those are animals. Fake love in the animal kingdom is news. Or Huffpost should amend their title to True Love Does Exist Well, D-uh It’s Animals.
This however, is my favorite. Turtle tries to “get in there” for a cuddle. See the lurve in those beady reptilian eyes.
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2) Speaking of cute animal love pics, this is just a mum and baby standing there but I think it’s really cute anyway:
Don’t you think?
From When Nature Runs Out Of Paint: 25 All-White Animals.
3) Now that that’s over with… To My Daughter’s High School Programming Teacher. It’s long. Here’s some excerpts:
“………..For her entire life, I’d encouraged my daughter to explore computer programming…… cool projects, the amazing career potential, the grants and programs to help girls and women get started……..
…..I was all too familiar with what my daughter was going through, but I was unprepared for the harassment to start in high school, in her programming class.
……talked to my daughter about how to handle the situation in class. I suggested that she talk to you…
…My daughter has no interest in taking another programming class, and really, who can blame her.
……Look, you don’t have to tell me how hard your job is or how underpaid and overstressed you are as a high school teacher. I’m a single mother working in tech publishing…. I like to think what I do is important, but what teachers do has the potential to change the world. No article I write will ever do that, but the daughter I raise might……
That was from her letter to the teacher. This is from the update on her blog:
……..after bringing the problem to the teacher’s attention several times, (her daughter) finally asked him whether she could talk to the entire class about sexual harassment, he told her he’d think about it, and that’s when he reported the situation to the principal.
She quotes her daughter:
“And a couple days later I was in the principal’s office being explained to that it wasn’t my place to do that…”
Not knowing anything else beyond the blog post I linked to, this is here as a nod in awareness of bias in general.
CJ Gregg in an episode of West Wing described how her white father retired head of a high school math department (instead of a higher post) because “there was invariably a less-qualified black woman in the picture.” I wanted to acknowledge there is also a case for “reverse bias” as it were. Because people are people and human nature given an opportunity can be ugly.
I know someone whose dad was very senior in a tech company and so he (the son) expected to start college with fewer required modules. He refused to go in when told he wouldn’t be allowed a “headstart”. That I know of he dropped out of a different tech course after receiving a C because he thought he deserved an A. That I know of he then didn’t finish any of those. Then again neither did Mr Gates and various other multi-billionaires but for the rest of us mere mortals sometimes humility is under-rated. Alongside giftedness or brilliance should be some respect for the voice of experience.
Then again there is no excuse for true bias or bullying. Realistically, there is some bias everywhere, bias is almost like a nod to various cultures and upbringings and even history lessons. Awareness of how it can shape our thinking I believe to be the first step to not ultimately making poor decisions because of it.
No, this is not me being trite or flippant, I’ve been the only female in tiny dealing rooms with huge, loud traders who bellowed how raping some female colleague in the next department was proper punishment for a mess-up. But at least I’m a big girl.
The blogger I linked above struggled because as tough as you are at work and facing all this, your weakness, your biggest vulnerability is when you have kids. And she hadn’t expected her daughter to be exposed to some of these things while still at high school. This is a parenting blog, I guess that’s the real reason this is here. As parents the best thing we can do for the kids is to parent. Instill resilience, confidence, teach them as best and as quickly as we can to fend for themselves. How and when of course depends on our own kids’ individual personalities. Bias and bullying in the real world are not always clear cut and the best response I believe is to ultimately become so freaking good at what you do no one can say anything. Become so good a bully cannot throw you off your game. Then be nice. Because not many people ultimately work “alone” – they can work with you or they can work with someone else. Why not have people want to work with you.
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4) 31 Haunting Images Of Abandoned Places That Will Give You Goose Bumps. Way to change the subject.
Y’know, they say it like that, and really some look downright creepy (like the one above) but it was also interesting how people found other uses for these places (tourist attraction, photo backdrop, filming location for horror movie anyone?)
5) Super Fun Kid Time, an App for kids, designed by 9 year old girl to schedule playdates (she presents at the 2013 SF Hackathon, in the link.). Way to drive home the point. Rockstar’s class has iPad and ICT time where they play educational games on iPads and computers, there’s lotsa educational games on the school’s Virtual Learning Environment, we have online spelling or math homework (now also Chinese revision) – which came in handy last week when we were waiting at the doctor’s and I could access some of it on my iPhone. I mean they have traditional writing with good ole’ pen and paper too, but then there’s also online Spelling City. Kids can start learning to type.
OH YES THEY CAN.
Yeah I have friends who believe in only good ole’ pen and paper. To be honest I haven’t put much emphasis on Rockstar’s writing personally. My own handwriting is not pretty. Won’t be too long I think before Rockstar’s is nicer than mine. To me this is an achievement. (Seriously though, last year I even messed up his use of capitals: one parent-teacher meeting early in the year the teacher had remarked that just that morning she’d noticed Rockstar seemed a bit confused between capitals and non-capitals and that was when I realized I was writing all my notes to him in block letters. I had also been getting him to write all his notes and cards yes, in all capitals. So yeah the school had to straighten that out <sheepish>.)
But as we’ve been told when they pointed us to the school online Virtual Learning Environment, this is the “world” our kids’ll grow up in, like it or not. Frankly things like the World Education Games are online too – you can’t handle a keyboard/mouse/touchpad comfortably you lose valuable time competing when you submit answers. Or maybe lose your train of thought if you can’t type fast enough. We have to practice writing, now we have to practice typing too <shrugs>
6) But I’d be remiss if I didn’t link a couple caveats in social media:
Xiaxue’s Faces of Haters post.
Audrey’s Instagram Harassment post.
(The Southeast Asians must be wondering why I’m linking these like it’s new news.) Xiaxue’s is here because I didn’t want to use a recent HK example. For the non-Southeast Asians who haven’t come across these (yes, both of you :D) XX’s multi-publicized, on-the-news post is there as an example of how your Facebook account and thoughtless remarks can seriously get you in trouble.
Audrey’s is there in part because of how things change when you have kids. Also to illustrate how people can then get “smarter” about being nasty (or at the very least just nuts). So the nice people need to get smarter about these things too.
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7) And that’s the weekend because it is actually my birthday today (yes, Friday the 13th!) and though we’re not celebrating yet (in fact, around this time yesterday I still thought my birthday was going to be on Saturday) I want to be a little bit lazy. Hope this makes up for it a bit:
“Oh, the new frontiers I shall discover…!” “Knock-knock…. knock-knock…!”
Little Miss’ first time trying on her helmet (by Nutcase – love the name!) and test driving (kind of) her scooter. Rockstar uh, demonstrating how a good helmet works. Isn’t every day he gets to knock-knock on his baby sister’s noggin. Obviously he takes that seriously.
Good weekend dears…
Happy Belated Birthday Aileen!
Ah, Miss Rockstar is so cute wearing the helmet with one foot on her scooter. Does she like the scooter?
As a someone who is in the IT field, I guess I am lucky that all the boys in my classes and men in the workplace were raised properly by their parents to treat girls and women properly with respect. Honestly I don’t think the teachers can do much. The guys will not change over night, their parents have to teach them from young to respect women. This is where good parenting comes in but I have seen men who are grandfathers speaking ill of their daughters/daughters-in-law and women in general and looking down on women abilities in front of their own family. Sons and grandsons coming from families like this will not ever treat women properly since they don’t even respect their own mothers after hearing their grandfathers speak ill of their daughter-in-laws (grandson’s mother). It is no wonder that the teachers or even the governments can not do anything to change this. It starts from the family.
And about your ex-co workers saying such horrible things about what some women deserved just because they did something wrong in their jobs, I think in a workplace this would constitute as sexual harassment and the person who said this should be punished by the company. Imagine how the woman in question would feel if she heard that someone said that about her. So horrible! How would the person feel if someone said it about his grandmother or mother or daughter or wife? This is no joking matter. Gotta stop here about this or else I could be talking about this forever.
Hope you have a very good weekend celebrating your belated birthday! Enjoy!
Thought about my response to your comment re the sexual harassment thing… That might have been the attention-grabbing one, but throughout my time working in the various dealing rooms there were people who would ask for back rubs (and yet at the time doesnt seem that big a thing there were women who gave them the back rubs too though i never did..) I also had “oh pretty girl you want to get ahead you better SUCK up” (emphasis on the word) said to me, one boss once pulled the release on my chair while I was leaning back in it (in a skirt suit) and when I yelped and almost fell they thought it was funny…
My point in mentioning it now is not “Oh look how hard the job was,” it was to illustrate the extent to which I chose not to bring up any actual “sexual harassment” thing to HR. (In later years I mentioned it half-jokingly in the face of the worst of it but 10 years ago there were places where people will look at YOU funny.) Regardless I think I would still prefer to get to a point of being able to do what the bullies couldn’t at work – and THEN fighting back. I’d still rather fight back myself if I were still at work.
The sad truth is unless you are fairly valuable to your boss, in all likelihood you aren’t really going to be listened to especially if the other guys are top performers. That’s why I liked to emphasize the value of being good AND nice, people who are good at work often take it as a license to get away with being mean to others. And yes you can bring it up to HR but truth is without your immediate boss(es) on your side in all likelihood your boss isn’t going to be happy you’re complaining to HR or his boss (I did that about bullying in general, got slapped on the wrist – remember the “bullying””tales from the dark side” post? At the end of the day they gave me something I was expected to fail in and not failing is what got people’s attention – so again, you have to first get good enough.)
Thank you very much for your comment about how this starts at home and not with the high school teacher. Yes I agree. And re the British trader who was bellowing about rape – he had 2 little daughters aged about 6 and 9 at the time. He brought them in to office once or twice and yes did seem a little worried how people would react to HIS daughters. (Though in his case I think he had a rage problem because he also went nuts in the office when he couldn’t call one of his daughters on her cell..) And yes the men who pulled the chair back on me and said “you have to SUCK up” are fathers too.
Parenting should make you want to do your best, be your best for your kids, though yeah sometimes that really goes horribly wrong doesn’t it…
Hi Aileen, thank you for putting time to think about this. Yes, I agree that HR probably will not act against top performers who are guilty of sexual harassment. But women who are at the receiving end should report the guilty ones to show them that they have to be responsible for their words but in reality most will not do that for fear of losing their jobs.
And as for the “you have to first get good enough”, sorry if I am seeing this from the wrong angle (I know you do not mean it this way) – I sort of feel that telling a woman that she has to first get good enough in her job before being able to fight back seems to be saying that women who are not that good in their jobs have to put up with sexual harassment behaviours from their male co-workers or male superiors. This should not be the case. Every women – good or not good at their jobs, should be protected from sexual harassment behaviours from co-workers.
Sadly there is no such act in Msia to protect against sexual harassment in the workplace but the Employment Act 1955 has been amended (enforced 1 April 2012) to introduce the criminalization of sexual harassment in the workplace. I did not look up whether HK has such an act or not.
Of course it should not be the case. Unfortunately yes, that really is what I’m saying – if you aren’t good enough you are even more open to mistreatment. No it isn’t fair or nice to think about (hence I said “sadly”). There will be other women who even “spoil market”, there you don’t want to give back rubs there they will certainly be “good sports” and do so. I was first told this by a Malaysian man who’d attended Harvard and then been in a AAA bank back then that specialized in CDO products. As a newbie I’d asked him how far was “too far” and he’d said “You know that woman I wanted you to meet with the very I-banker instincts? She’d give and ask for back rubs.” Of course some women are perfectly fine with it and perfectly good at their jobs too. A good sense of humor helps you get out of stuff too btw, but really being good (at your job, as well as loyal and hardworking) are the best protection against “selling your soul” (sorry ah melodramatic) – because otherwise to survive you move the back rubbing line possibly to a point you’re not comfortable with yourself, or else become really, really nasty.
Sorry but I think we are totally talking about two different things here. I do not see a connection between being good at jobs and being sexually harassed. Of course if one is not good at one’s job, one would be scolded by the boss but that does not mean one should expect to be scolded in a sexist way.
About women who are perfectly fine with “it” – the “it” I am not very sure what you are referring to – back rubs or being “talked to in a sexist way”. And by the way some women are very, very good at their jobs and even sexually harassed back the guys at work too. Guys sometimes do get harassed sexually by women in the work place too. So the law should protect both sides.
Anyway I am not going to comment more about this but I just want to state I strongly disagree with some of your views here. Especially the part where you advise women to just ignore the sexual remarks by putting in all effort to be very, very good in their jobs and the sexual remarks will or may go away. Will they? I really do not know because like I say I have not put myself in that situation before. Sorry if that is not what you are advising and that I have misunderstood you.
Oh, did you read about the news about Singapore Former civil defence force chief Peter Lim and his s*x-for-contracts trial? Singapore is really doing the right thing here to charge him when the women themselves did not press charges. It is really beyond me why the women did not report him in the first place but went along with his requests.
Maybe perfectly fine with it?
I meant both – back rubs, being spoken to that way (they don’t see anything wrong with it and so you are the “weird” one). I already said it is not fair or pleasant and it doesn’t always go away – in which case I left. Remember some of this was 10 years ago not today. And being good at my job didnt mean I took it lying down “and was good at my job” – it meant I didn’t bring formal complaints but I fought back myself. In one dealing room early on it resulted in a screaming fight before I realized there was no point and yes, left. Being good also allows you to look for and take a better paying job. It’s not fair to have to accept it in your current work place but there are so many other injustices too. And you could do better than fight the good (losing fight) by walking away for more money. I did stay in some places and I did leave in others.
Good afternoon Aileen, thank you for elaborating on this. Of course I agree that being good at one’s job will give one an edge over others in many aspects but it does not help women organisations all over the world to combat sexual harassment.
By definition sexual harassment meant
“Unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature that tends to create a hostile or offensive work environment” -Taken from legal free dictionary so of course some women who thrive on their feminine powers (doesn’t matter whether they are good or not at their job) will not see anything wrong with this. Just a matter of different strokes for different people or one man’s poison another man’s meat.
Like you said, it was 10 years ago. Hopefully things have improved a little and the “weird” one (the woman who feels uncomfortable with sexist remarks) can feel empowered to speak up and complain either to HR or to the police (for countries like UK) in the hope that women who work there after her will have a truly professional working environment without being marred by talk laced with sexual innuendo.
Hahaha, sorry for keep leaving comments on this. Guess I am just too long winded.
Hope you have a good week ahead. 🙂
Hey… feel free to post your comments ya, and thank you very much because you do often provide very meaty and thought provoking contributions… I was deliberately rather pessimistic/cynical in my comments and also deliberately mentioned exactly what kind of remarks I myself received and still chose not to pursue formally with HR etc because I learned the hard way, and when it happened to me it was quite disappointing. I was starry eyed and proud of being in my first “real”job, I worshipped this senior or that organization, and it took me a long time to realize your ability to rely on all these policies etc literally depends on the culture. Harvard/i-bank guy said as much to me. (And btw Kings really, really HATES both this guy and the woman he intended to introduce me to, he had the erm, pleasure of meeting them in the market when he too was very junior).
It can get better, and in organizations and under bosses who were markedly professional, I developed fierce loyalties. Indeed having seen how much worse it could be made me appreciate the ones who were not like that.
But I wrote all this stuff because I know there are younger women who read this blog (and send me emails occasionally) and I didn’t want them to EXPECT that it always turns out “clean” or “fair”. There are some organizations where you just literally are “OMG ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” and the only thing you are going to be able to do is bide your time – because having that job in that shitty place still increases your bargaining power and value when you go for a job interview for the place you REALLY want to be, compared to if you don’t have a job/ mention you have raised formal issue with HR at your current job etc. And in the meantime you can expend the energy on fighting or on practicing/learning so as to do well at the new place. When you can’t do anything else and feel helpless, knowledge or ability you can take with you wherever you go.
It can be really, really hard to accept I know. And the women who don’t give up deserve credit for determination and staying power. By which I mean the ones who REALLY were harassed – because like when I mentioned during the long demonstration at the bottom of the main HSBC building how the worse are the gamblers who lost money fair and square and then PRETEND they were mis-sold derivative investments to, there are all kinds of people out there; women who “spoil market,” women who make false claims, and the HR is not going to know which you are when you go to them – speaking of which I even once considered recording on my phone some of the filthy things those people were bellowing, in case I really decided to say something formally and the whole group of them denied together. I also lost a friend in a work cell group (YES a CELL GROUP) over it because he was”Aw, they’re my drinking buds” and “no harm done, he probably just finds you attractive.”
We always think “how can anyone imagine I could possibly make that up or exaggerate it” because we are “straight.” We think to “fight clean.” But not everyone is like this. And HRs won’t know you personally either.
The world is changing and these things no longer get swept under the carpet as often as before, but I still left long before all of them were finally, finally canned over various other things.