Warning: Horrendously misspelled Cantonese and bizarre literal translations ahead…
I met a mum of 3 in her late 20s recently who seemed a little…. spoilt.
(I know, I know – “Meow”?)
She is one of the more attractive, dressed-up mums I’ve met in Hong Kong (“Double Meow”?) and is a self-professed local Hongkie with 3 young children. But it was from her manner of speech that I formed the impression of spoilt-ness – she had an idea that anything in her situation, be it problems, little every day achievements or any job she volunteered to take on was the biggest, the best, the most newsworthy.
(I imagined her to have constantly been in an environment that perpetuated such beliefs on her part.)
Oh, then there were also her long-taloned exquisitely manicured nails which occasionally sport a couple of crystal gems stuck on as well. (How does anyone swing that with babies?)
Yes, ever this preoccupation with nails – I, who Have Not in this department.
Yes Rockstar, your mother is a terrible person. The least she can do is be an honest terrible person. Oh wait, that’s because she is also lazy. It’s a lot more work remembering what you lied about so you can keep it up all the time. She is an honest terrible lazy person.
Anyway. In my broken, pidgin Cantonese punctuated by many hand gestures, I asked my very un-English-speaking friend: <quoting a few encounters> “Is she really spoilt?”
“Kung Chee Peng” or literally, Princess Sickness, is the Canton way of describing girls here who have grown up with everything done for them by their parents, only to marry into a family where everything is done for them by their husband.
Lucky hor? (I know, I know, “Triple Meow”)
Periodically, my (very unspoilt, paycheck-earning, housework-performing, dinner-cooking) girlfriends and I have observed women like this, and sighed, “Why can’t we be more like them?” “How come we don’t end up with men who spoil us like that?”
Don’t get us wrong. We’re all happily attached or married. We love our men just the way they are. But it is a weird fascination we entertain, with the kind of man who goes for that kind of woman.
It’s hard to imagine we are the same species.
My local friend goes on to elaborate: Hong Kong women, or Gong Lui (literally “’Kong Girls” and btw Singaporean men are Por Chye or “’Pore Boys” which I find really cute) are apparently stereotyped as having 3 goals. They are:
1) Yan Kong Kou (“Salary High”)
2) San Choi Kou (“Body High” – ie being physically tall)
3) Ngan Kok Kou (“Corner Of Eyes High” – ie being able to look down on more people)
(I’m soooo tickled by this. No wonder there’s a language barrier here when you try to speak in English to very local Hongkies – some of the literal translations are just insane. And apparently it’s the same with the written language – written Cantonese is very different from spoken Cantonese…)
But, seriously.
The “Kung Chee Peng” is not only for “Kung Chees”.
Example Number One: A close Malaysian friend – the kind who periodically reschedules lunch with me because of work commitments for countless weeks, then when she hears I have a minor crisis at my own job suddenly is wide open in an hour and won’t tell me what horrendous project I’ve caused her to bump in favor of hearing me agonize over my own – has a very different much older sister who at age 44 has never held down a stable job or lived within her own means. Or stopped smoking or gorging on very, VERY sweet things. Even when the risk of her developing serious health problems is skyrocketing.
I’ve known my friend a long time. She is one of the most faithful, reliable, nice people I have ever met. I can only imagine how much it took for her to one day snap and lash out at their mother, “Has it ever occurred to you what all your other children will have to deal with later in life as a result of you spoiling one child?”
Example Number Two: Years ago my husband had a close friend whose fiancé required at least a 2-carat engagement ring, plus a HKD 400,000 dowry/ down payment for a house in her hometown as a sign of his commitment to her.
It wasn’t just about the money. Kings’ friend had to give up heavy career prospects in order to get an internal transfer to his fiance’s home town, not exactly a banking and finance center, (but not in Malaysia either) for a minimum of 5 years.
Back then, I opened my big mouth: “No relationship can survive one-sided forever. You’ll be ok with it 5, maybe 10 years, but eventually you’re going to play ‘What Have You Done For Me Lately’ because we are all human. You have to broker a compromise.”
I will always remember how Kings’ friend looked at me. Like I was the biggest bitch in the world when he was in love. Staring me straight in the eye he said very deliberately “Well, that’s what I’m willing to do for my girl.”
I then went through moments of insecurity. What’s Wrong With Me, How Come I Don’t equire Kings Give Up More Stuff For Me?
That conversation took place about 7 years ago.
Kings’ friend uprooted to this town, immersing himself in his fiance’s culture, making her friends his friends, almost completely losing touch with his old friends. Then Kings bumped into him in affles Place, Singapore, recently on a business trip.
He just goes back to this town on weekends now, to see his son who is about Rockstar’s age.
This time I will not open my big mouth.
But watch my fingers fly.
All those things I truly believe in, that I sincerely believe to be the best advice I could give – and that have cost me friendships when I say them. Because at the end of the day it takes a very big person to accept what they really don’t want to hear. Very few of us are such people.
And Rockstar, read this while your heart isn’t ruling your head. Because ironically our heads do better jobs at decisions that should have been fueled by emotions – stuff that involves loved ones.
I hope never to see Kings’ friend again, because I don’t know how to look him in the eye without it looking like an “I told you so.”
He was one of my closest friends too, long ago.
He was my go-to guy when Kings and I had problems early on in our relationship. He once said to me, “As long as you’re good for Kings, I’ll be there for you.” Now I never want to see him again. Don’t think I didn’t mourn the loss of a friendship. I just don’t think about it.
And as for the people around us whom we just let be horrible – we do them no favors by spoiling them.
If we let people around us get that bad, be they grouchy old parents, spouses, siblings who can’t support themselves – what happens when they get so unpleasant to live with no one wants to be around them, and so set in their ways, no one can change them anymore?
We did that to them. Now when they have no friends. When we can no longer stand being married to them. When everyone finds them repulsive to be around. When people find it a chore to spend time with them in their old age.
By letting them think it was ok to behave that way for so long, we’re the ones who did that to them.
