[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16RZHqCIy9M]
1997 Italian film Life is Beautiful is set in World War II and tells the tale of a father, Guido, played by Roberto Benigni, who strives to shield his 4 year old son from the horrors of a Nazi concentration camp. As a youth I watched it – it was a great movie, I watched lotsa movies back then. But it was as a parent that I really saw it.
Surrounded by the most horrible acts of cruelty, misery, discrimination, and all the things that make you see the world’s ugliness, Benigni portrays a father who, when he and his son are taken to the concentration camp on his son’s birthday, turns the Holocaust experience into a huge game for his son’s benefit and survival.
OK, quiz time.
a) “Don’t cry, don’t be afraid, or they will shoot you,” or
b) “We’re playing a game and loser is the first to cry or get scared,” and “What do you mean ‘Where are all the other kids?’ All the other kids are hiding too because they’re also trying to win the game!”
Which way of speaking to the boy do you think worked better?
(And which one was harder?)
(Oh please don’t come back and say “But so unrealistic! Didn’t tell the boy the truth!” I knowlah. I’m just saying the way he spoke to his son, that humongous effort to put that face on and pretend he is not scared out of his mind is something to draw inspiration from.)
And yeah, this is a fictional character. But there were millions of Holocaust Jews. Are you telling me one Italian comedian can come up with that when his own son is not in danger, but out of millions in the concentration camp not a single parent thought to do (or at least valiantly try) that, ease their own child’s suffering, increase their chances of survival with that?
That’s my wimpy response to Tiger Mother:
I couldn’t do it her way. So let me find another.
Never mind about right way/ wrong way to parent (there are umpteen parents, academics, journalists, publishers and shrinks who will be debating this til the cows come home and I will conveniently look up their notes – why waste their effort? Why duplicate it?)
But – I could never do that. It’s not me. Never mind Rockstar, my husband would probably need therapy. Kings and I were both children who had terrible reactions to Tiger Mothering (in Kings’ case by a teacher when he was a little older). It did not help us perform.
Kings went on to a strong First at London School of Economics (and letting schoolmates photocopy his notes all the way – this is what makes me so proud of him) when he was very much not Tiger Mothered.
<Thinking> I’m not Yale Law, but I’m not too stupid either. Right? I… think.
I’d rather inspire my child Life is Beautiful way. That I might be able to do. Come up with the best way to talk to him, every step of the way. Not drag him kicking and screaming to the piano. And I can repeat as needed, “You are not even in a concentration camp. You are not even in a concentration camp. (Even if you are in a society that has gotten so competitive even little kids are getting so pressured – oh stop being so melodramatic, Aileen.)
I write flippantly as usual, but some of that pressure to excel (and I’m talking about the parenting of many young children in Hong Kong) is real. Somewhere between “How old is he?” (as you check the developmental stage of your own child as a reflex) and “How come the other child can draw that, is the school paying enough attention to mine?” it went from constructive to cuckoo.
I think it adds an unnecessary layer of stress. When I make remarks like “parents should work together” I mean to not stress young kids unnecessarily by being ultra competitive with each other. As is, we have to raise kids in a Facebook, Twitter and cellphone world. Do we slap charges on them like they’re adults when they find inspiration to do more horrible things to each other with technology today, or do we try our best to raise them without giving them more reasons to be that way with each other. I disclose stuff on this blog all the time to make the point. I’m trying to be deliberately un-kiasu.
I don’t believe a “not sharing” culture in the extreme necessarily helps our kids. But I do believe it can hurt them. It’s like another “handicap,” and I think it can build insecurity. “I have to always hide some of what I learn because otherwise people can beat me.” Doesn’t that look like “I’m not good enough without being selfish”?
What about “I don’t need a handicap to kick butt, and all us sharers are going to get better together, and then we’re gonna form this club and laugh at you, you insecure little —-“ OK it’s possible I had too much caffeine. The Kosmo guy has been upsizing me for free after I told him where to get my laptop Gelaskin.
Our best ideas should be shared not because we are uncompetitive (which would be unreal), but because if we truly strive to keep getting better, those ideas shouldn’t be all we’ve got. It should be “Ok – what’s next?” (And “Maybe someone else’s feedback will help me improve on it”) not “I’m a one-hit wonder.”
The first time I heard the term “karma” referred to in parenting (I just conveniently refer to it as Parent Karma), it was by one of my pastors. As his own 4 children grew and some reached college age, he realized to what extent he would never be able to keep all “bad ideas” and “influences” from them. Christians believe in grace, we’re not supposed to expect something good in exchange for doing something good, we are “good” (ie show grace) because of how “good” we believe God has already been to us.
But even as I pray for my child, I hope things like when my child begins to realize there are points of view other than his parents’ he will seek counsel from other godly role models.
My example might be religious, but it can easily apply to lots of other things. It’s about not simply agreeing with the teenager who thinks you’re “cool” (because their own parents are never “cool”) that it’s not that bad an idea to drop out of college – not because you really think so, but because you don’t care that much, it’s not your own child. THIS is what I mean by parents sticking together – doesn’t it bother you someone might be doing that with your child? Why don’t we all pledge not to do that with all our children? Might not be yours, but it’s someone’s child.
Guess it’s why I say, try my best to not fill other kid’s heads with nonsense.
It’s a hope other parents will not do that with mine.
Wouldn’t it be beautiful if our children brought out our best, not our worst. Like Guido.
(Yeah I know I kinda digressed at the end, but I got excited. Got…. to…. tell the Kosmo people…. No…. more…. Upsizing!)
PS: Did anyone get my Concentration Camp vs Piano at Carnegie Hall allusion :D?
Special thanks to C for mailing me about Tiger Mother the moment that came out (but I vowed not to mention it unless I had something of my own to say – I’m thinking I shouldn’t be newswire, there are actual newswires whom people go to for breaking news)…
I imagine C balancing her Cherub and reading up… MWBs (Mums With Babies) probably make some of the most up-to-date news and forum readers around. They’re the ones who can’t visit Planet Fitness or go shopping because they’re trapped under napping babies <blissful reminiscence>
C’s from Yale too… But I bet she doesn’t Tiger Mother 😉
