Little Miss-Speak #5 – Hello, My Name Is Vomit

#5

Circle time and Hello introductory song during her class……

While everyone sings the “Hello Song” to each toddler, the Miss has had a chance to see maybe 5 toddlers get asked their names before it’s her turn.

Teacher: And what’s your name?

Little Miss: <SILENCE>

(While I’m smiling on the outside, I am SO not smiling on the inside. I know she knows what she’s supposed to answer. I also remember at around this age Rockstar SO did not want to do colors with me we ended up wondering if he was color blind.)

Teacher <warmly, encouragingly>: What’s your name, can you say your name?

<short, thoughtful pause>

Little Miss: Vomit.

Me (thinking): CRAP. Here we go again. At least with the not knowing colors thing Original Rockstar didn’t actually say anything, he just pointed at the wrong items all. the. time. In retrospect if the child is guessing, they would occasionally get one right… but anyway. Though then again he is still very uninterested in color to this day…

Everyone looks at me quizzically. What was that? What did she say her name was? What did you say, darling?

Little Miss: <Confidently, too clearly> Vo-mit. Vomit.

Me: <hoping my fake, plastered on smile is not now some grotesque joker’s mask> Darling, they’re asking for your name.

Little Miss: <Like, what’s your problem> Vo-mit.

Me: <Pretending I don’t understand. Actually I totally understand> Darling, are you trying to say your name? What’s your name?

(In retrospect the Miss must have been thinking Oh You Faker. You know exactly what I’m trying to say.)

My beautiful, darling daughter turns around and gives me a big hug. Oh, I love her sooooo much. How I love cuddling her, my little cuddle bunny, I didn’t get that many hugs from Rockstar The Reserved who has this whole personal space thing. She looks into my face with warm, wide eyes and loves mw right back.

Little Miss: War…… mitt. <turns to face the rest of the circle> Vomit. 

<Me Speechless For Moment>

Take me as I am, Mummee. Oh, and as soon as I can find my way to the tattoo parlor, I’m going to be getting some Big. Bad. Ink. None of the dumb little tracksuits with wussy “Juicy” on the butt. Mine’ll have feeling. 

People raise eyebrows in the split second of deafening silence that to me feels like an eternity. What Did She Say Her Name Was? She didn’t just say her name was —

Me: Uh, yayyy! Very good! <Struggles to find explanation for how “Little Miss” can possible sound like the word “Vomit”> <TOTALLY FAILS> Yeah don’t know why, she thinks her name sounds like that, yayyy ok darling your turn is up, sit down sit down.

Me (thinking): please please please don’t pursue that pleasemoveontothenextchild pleasemoveontonextchild pleasemoveontonextchildddddd…!

So how’m I supposed to tell all the nice mummies (and teacher) that my child has decided to serve up, as her name and how she’s feeling, the worst thing/action she can think of? The only reason she didn’t introduce herself as “Poop” is probably because she never gets into trouble for doing that so she probably doesn’t think it’s a better option…..

I get a nice cuddle though. I love her cuddles. We’ll work on the college applications another day.

Little Miss – no, I’m not going to say it.

Here’s a prettier picture

ps: Sigh yes, she definitely knows what “vomit” means. Especially since up until very recently she would do it a lot.