Mummy’s Got Talent?

It’s official. After a decade of striving for credibility in the banking industry – dressing to seem older (and boring-er), speaking and writing only of topics designed to make people think I’m smart – I get to bimbo-fy myself for a Talent100 audition.

Oh, and I also get to make up words. This is a cool pastime.

Beyond these doors and aged security guard, fame and fortune await?

You’ve met them too, I’m almost sure – the young, attractive girls who stop you in MTR stations and slip you a talent agency card, getting your phone number or email address in the process.

The first time I got the card, I was miss eager beaver fresh grad in a very bad job market, exiting an interview I had n-ot done very well in, my hair (pre-very short pixie days) twisted severely into a bun, wearing glasses and my only work suit in what I thought was a very serious and capable dark grey.

I was dismayed. There I was, striving earnestly to be taken seriously, and not just had I flubbed the interview, I had been approached by a talent agency right when I was dressed in my Professional Finest. Wasn’t I oozing Brilliant Banker? Channelling Don’t-Mess-With-Me-Professional?

Oh, the insult. That wasn’t the only time I got uh, carded, but my reaction each time was more mortified than flattered. I was so desperate to be taken seriously in my chosen field in banking – derivatives.

Fast forward to today when I am no spring chicken yet have suddenly had the brainwave to add Person Standing In Back Of Some TVB Soap (or even Person On Cutting Room Floor) to my list of Life Experiences. For, what is living in Hong Kong, without the “Care-Lair-Fare” (movie/ tv extra) audition experience? Especially when I finally care not a wit about credibility. (Also, Kings put me up to it because he is completely in awe of Hong Kong entertainment. Sigh. Whatever turns you on, baby.)

Inside the talent agency – movie star posters and awards line the walls

So here goes:

Get call back from talent agency. Agree to come in for go-see.

(This is for freelancing – an assistant calls each time to ask if you agree to try for ________ part. Agent sends a bunch of freelancers’ pics to their clients. If yours is chosen, agent takes 20-30% of what you make.)

Fill in form. Ignore where it says “chest/ waist/ hip measurement __________”

Mention I don’t want to do swimsuit stuff. Get very long explanation about how they don’t do anything racy.

Interview. Agent outlines 3 rules:

Don’t back out once they get you something – please do all backing out before you actually get a gig (ie when the assistant calls to ask if you’re interested in each assignment). Don’t expect to get famous (strangely the office walls and corridors are filled with movie star posters so we think she means don’t be a prima donna) Don’t expect to get rich from doing this (ie have your own day job/ backup plan)

Get filmed impromptu for 60 seconds. They absolutely don’t let you have a second shot. And you have to try your darnedest to speak in Cantonese (my biggest foil – I’m hoping charm and wit (in english) will make up for the actual er, speaking (oh, was I supposed to do it in Cantonese?)).

Also, they remind me repeatedly not to mention my age when they film me, to allow them more “marketability.” I’M FREAKING ALMOST 34!!! SO WHAT??? Don’t they need auntie extras?

After filming, they say “Umm, we’ll try you for more non-speaking roles.”

I am Hong Kong Starlet Wannabe. Hear me roar. Gr.