Of Bullying, Weaknesses, and Strengths

Written with Rockstar’s permission…

20 minutes. Rockstar and friends were at Funzone with other mummies in attendance and I had gone on a quick errand to the Mannings, next door. I come back to find Rockstar sobbing heatedly and openly. My heart sinks. Rockstar has just done his first away sports camp of 2 whole nights, and passed his latest taekwondo grading without incident. 

One of the mums is already there, having been summoned by her own boy who is one of Rockstar’s good friends. It appears Rockstar was on the receiving end of two larger boys ganging up in the foam ball shooting area and eventually shoving him about (2 days later he displays a small but obvious bruise from hitting the large foam ball guns, but we both know his meltdown has nothing to do with pain. At some point I remember to check if any of it is anger as well, he says it’s not.) 

Little Nose Marks

As we exit the place (we would proceed to walk it off in wide laps at the large Wellcome upstairs) I notice one or two mildly amused – even also a little smug? – faces. We know many of the boys here today (but note even more whom we can’t recognise as going to the same school). 

Rockstar is still sobbing mostly uncontrollably, his shoulders and chest heaving up and down, tears running down his face freely,  and at this age (he turns 8 next week), in front of so many of his buddies, I’m conscious of the visual of Mummy swooping in and openly confronting the boys FOR him, with him standing right there and crying (this is different from if those were adults). I can already see them readying casual “We were just playing” faces while standing next to their own mums. 

How D’you Go All Avenging Mummy Guns Blazing In Front Of This Guy’s Friends, even as he sobs away??

Instead, I mutter, “You’re giving them exactly what they want, if you don’t stop.” He starts to snap back in almost immediately. This is not the first time we have had this conversation. 

Rockstar hasn’t had one of these for some time, until we had almost forgotten, that periodically he has shown some kind of hypersensitivity – he needs his space, and when not left alone allowed to sit quietly when he needs to, he can get upset, panic, or meltdown. Sometimes, this makes him a sitting duck for less than well-meaning other kids.* This has practically not happened full-blown, in a school environment under the watchful eye of the staff (who must all think I’m drunk or high on something when I talk about circumventing these (uh, circumvent what? :D)) Back in Kindergarten, we’d occasionally drop by the school, and find him quietly wandering the stairwells by himself, when he needed to get away from the noise and rowdiness of the playground outside.

Obviously, Rockstar is aware of this about himself. It’s one reason he started taekwondo sometime between Kindy and Primary (because I happened to know taekwondo better than other sports), and since Kennedy then turned out to have so many sports activities – enough for a separate newsletter and Twitter account (we also learned later that ESF and non-ESF kids alike all over HK enrol in ESF Sports throughout the year) – it’s been a big help, for the Kid Who Used To Hide At Playtime Because He Didn’t Like The Noise Or Body Contact. (Sometimes I’m still I Can’t Believe My Kid Loves Rounders/Hockey/et al And Appears To Even Play Passably Well.) When he first got back from sports camp and I asked him how it was, he said he was so busy with the full schedule he forgot to freak out.

I imagine it’s kinda the same way over at Alcoholics Anonymous or Weight Watchers – lotsa activities to keep you from wanting to drink 😛 works well for Fusspot Hypersensitive Kids Anonymous. We all have our conditions, predispositions….. maybe vices…. and we work with and around them, getting help where necessary while carrying on whatever passes for normal school and work lives <shrugs>?

You can imagine it was with some dismay that I found Rockstar still loses it, and seemingly so easily. Within 20 minutes at Funzone. The kind of meltdown I was afraid would happen at camp – I came this close to an email to the school requesting they….. hide him somewhere, just so other kids don’t see him melting down and it gets that much harder to swing playdates; as is he is the youngest, arguably also one of the smallest children in his year. Add to that the unapologetic anal-retentive, and freakish You May Give Me More Math-ness and Rockstar isn’t exactly Mr Popularity (:D) among the strapping boys who love to wrestle around on a rugby field.

Why am I blogging it (albeit with Rockstar’s permission)? 

Me: It’s not going to go away, you know. And for some kids, the more they know you lose it easily in this kind of situation, the more they’re going to pick you to mess with. Because you are giving them the reaction they want.

Rockstar: So I’m going to have to get better at that. 

Me: You’re going to need to get a lot better, and as quickly as you can. It’s not hard for other kids to figure out fast how easily it is for them to upset you, throw you off your game. For now, it’s part of who you are and what you need to work on. But another part of the “package” of who your are is how easily you can….. do math and stuff. Every time you feel helpless because someone got you upset, go… practice more math or something.

Rockstar: Huh. That I can do. But why?

Me: Because the people who would try to make you feel bad for the fun of it are usually also the people who cannot stand seeing you do well. Doing well anyway – doing even better is the best way to get back at them. They probably also really hate to lose. That’s not your problem (Rockstar btw, is simply not very competitive by nature.) This allows you to look for a lesson in life and bring you to a lot more places you can learn, than someone who gets really upset from losing. And at least you’re getting better at something instead of feeling helpless about the other thing. It’s still some kind of positive step. Oh, and if someone exploits your weakness, go kick their butt with one of your strengths. Because everyone’s a “package” of strengths and weaknesses. You don’t only have weaknesses.

At some point we decided to erm, Embrace the Weakness (sorry, kwa-zhang / melodrama alert). Kings’ is the better illustration than mine, so I’ll use his – see, anyone who’s ever seen Kings speak, particularly sell something to a large audience, might be interested to know that public speaking was once his greatest weakness.

Before he was ever an aggressive sales person of anything, be it derivative investment products or property, he was once very shy of public speaking, and hated to be called upon even at small meetings, incredibly self conscious about his command of English. He then ended up a junior investment banker in Schroders, London, where go-for-the-jugular colleagues with the proper Queen’s command of the language would gleefully call on him endlessly to speak and pick apart everything he said. Presentations were set in the Colosseum, where people watched the lions tearing speakers limb from limb, for sport. (Uh, yes he is a very different person today.)

And so I tell Rockstar: View the people who find your nerves and weak spots and tweak them mercilessly as useful (for something other than manure and a gadzillion thoughts of hate (:D)) Because although it hurts (and by definition it always will), there is no better way to find the motivation to fix things you really need to fix.

Bullies doing you a favour? SO hope they’re reading. There is a whole hit movie(s) that revolve around the term “Bring it”.

…it also involves Sweet Young Cheerleaders in flippy skirts – hey NOW I remember why my landlord used to LOVE this movie! (pic from Youtube.com)

So lemme choose Cute Toddler(pic from memegenerator.net)

And Cute Anteater (pic from memegenerator.net)

Have a good week ahead… Doin’ the Anteater Bringit 🙂