Raising Rockstar

About 10 years ago, an ex-boyfriend was searching for a book that I have never been able to find to this day. It had been highlighted to him by a beloved English teacher. The book was titled, “How To Protect Yourself From Being Abducted By Aliens.”

The real appeal of “How To Protect Yourself From Being Abducted By Aliens,” has to do with the fact its author apparently meant it in absolute earnest. Hence many decades (possibly a century even, who knows?) later, this is a cool book because it reflects the “wisdom” of the time and yes, people’s sincere belief in the existence of aliens. By providing “useful suggestions” to avoid alien abduction, the author unintentionally illustrated the “prevailing wisdoms” about extra terrestrial life – for e.g., “don’t be out in a cornfield at night,” because this is where UFOs seemed to like to land, given all the scorch marks you get in corn fields. I believe there were also radiation-blocking tips that included clothing suggestions (you laugh? But we had Radiation Blocking Siew Yoke not so long ago following Fukushima)…

Well anyway now you know the real reason for my part 2 title. There should be irony, possibly a subtle implication of how our parenting choices (and obsessions) might be viewed in another 50 years or so.

JD Takes The Leap (Yes, we know she can swim. But we have no easy way of pulling her back in the boat without the jacket)

One of the “scariest” decisions Kings and I made was to keep the number of interviews Rockstar would attend to a bare minimum. He could very well have had a bad day at each of the very few schools we sent him to interview at I suppose. Because of different international school timings, we might not necessarily know if he got thru before he had to go for more interviews, and there are schools that provide detailed feedback on your child’s limitations following their evaluations. Then again those schools can also charge like, HKD 6,000 in total for the whole interview biz. Maybe it’s that or a bouncing castle.

But I didn’t want him to go for an unnecessary number of interviews, because 1) it would increase the likelihood Rockstar would have a chance to form the impression school admissions could be horribly stressful and unpleasant, and 2) to that end, I believed that for the (very) few interviews we did send him to, we as parents then owed it to our 4yr old to do what we could so he wouldn’t “have a bad day.” And that isn’t always easy for us to keep up as parents either.

For as long as I can, I’m going to keep up School Is Fun, Achieving Is Fun, Oh – AND – If It Can Be Achieved Easily Where’s The Achievement “High,” Of Course It Feels Good To Complete Your New Un-Age-Appropriate Lego Without Any Help After Refusing To Give Up At 1am! (Barely made it through that one because I was exhausted – but I don’t want to encourage him to give up anything halfway, so….. <half-asleep sigh>) I don’t want to believe it has to be “not fun” because the happiest years of my school life were during A levels in Singapore (Go, CJ!) – it was the only time I studied subjects of my own choosing (then-headmistress had sat my parents down after a detailed conversation with me, and recommended said subjects) – Math, Literature, Econs stuff btw, not say, The History Of Hip Hop Dancing.

Not all interviews are a pleasant experience, whereby the school staff are professional enough to make every effort to “de-stress” the child. But when the school looks so exclusive/ expensive and what-not, and you are just one of droves of parents jumping on the interview bandwagon for fear of being left behind, it’s not easy to see it like that.

Then there were schools that would group everyone in huge auditoriums sorted by rows and blocks and announce over the PA system along the lines of We’re Sorry So Many People Wanted To Apply At Our School This Year, Hence The Discomfort, and I’m thinking No, No You’re Not. Sorry, that is.

Then there was a Meet The Parents we went to sometime back, like CIS, something Kings had looked into from when Rockstar was maybe 18 months and I was still at work, whereby I don’t remember seeing anywhere on the letter that you were supposed to bring your child so he got used to the evaluation area before the actual interview. I actually went back and looked at the letter again after that day… But we were the only ones that we could see, who somehow didn’t get the (seemingly unspoken) memo that we were supposed to bring our child. Not for evaluation, but just so the child could get used to the school leading up to evaluation.

Said school staff attending us went, “You didn’t bring your child??!! I’m sorry for my facial expression, but I’m just so amazed – the whole purpose of bringing your child to this is so your child gets an early look at the interview area and-you-didn’t-bring-your child!” while her eyes bugged out of her head and her fingers pressed her temples. Well…. Rockstar did have a bit of a runny nose…. We thought…… Forget it. Honestly we completely didn’t realize we were supposed to bring the child (for e.g. CIS Meet The Parents tells you specifically NOT to bring your child and frankly I never figured how everyone knew to bring their child to that school so I FAIL – how am I ever going to keep up with other unspoken/ unwritten practices even if we sent Rockstar there?) “I HATE her!!! What’s wrong with these people???” Kings hissed the moment she had gone off.

(Yes, I have both a “misbehaving” 4yr old AND 35yr old who would hate this woman with every fiber of their being and refuse to cooperate with anyone related to her. It’s too late for Kings. But at least I can spare Rockstar the epiphany that not all people in the education field are super-nice, sunny, funny, Shiny Happy People.

That might sound funny, but I’m thinking we don’t find it easy to handle all manner of stress well, or even get along with everyone. Even as adults who have been thru umpteen interviews, school exams and what-not and know life sometimes gets easier from sucking it up and not picking a fight with everyone you hate. So yes, it’s good for kids to eventually be able to handle it, but are we really gonna fault them for it when they’re 4yrs old?)

But, to answer Kings’ question about what’s wrong with these people… There are parents who encourage school staff power trips by allowing themselves to be treated that way. Because they are so desperate for their child to get in, I guess. I’m reminded of the ex-colleague who makes a punch-to-jaw action as the only appropriate response to people who introduce themselves “Hi, I was from Harvard/ Yale/ Goldman.” And it would appear there is a little kiddie school equivalent. (Well of course there is, you even see it spoofed on tv…)

Anyway. Aside from the ESF one (they try to group the ESF Kindy’s kids together and all wear their school uniform, not to mention there was a Beach Fun Day leading up to interview and briefings and support for parents), the CIS one was also probably the most “un-stressful” <respect>. In Rockstar’s interview session, we hung out in the library informally so kids were kept busy wandering the aisles exploring the kiddie books, or looking at the displays. The principal speaks directly to the kids and it’s not to say “Ok, let’s go see which very few of you who can play Rachmaninoff on any instrument of our choice we shall pick for this Top International School.” Sans mike, it’s “Hello children, we have more toys for you to play with in the other rooms, if you’ll come when your group is called, and follow me.” Then she takes each group down herself. It really puts I’m-so-amazed-you-didn’t-“get”-the-unwritten-rule and We’re-sorry-we’re-so-popular schools to shame.

In case you’re wondering, that one in a huge auditorium with row upon row of labelled parent-and-child teams – I remember this dad-and-son who had just one seat between them while Kings, Rockstar and I had taken up 3 seats, so scooping Rockstar into his lap, Kings nudges me to scoot over. When I offered this dad our seat, he was literally completely incapable of acknowledging me (though he immediately took the seat). Uh, he would’ve failed the kiddie interview he was about to send his son into. Grownups feel this way and then you expect the child to shrug it off?? So no, I don’t think shielding Rockstar from an unnecessary number of interviews/ possible rejections/ interview stress is molly-coddling him at 4. Because many parents had a problem dealing with that interview stress too – and they were not 4.

(Btw, I would think some of the brightest children would freak at that kind of evaluation, because they are the ones more sensitive to everything around them, so I really don’t know how the booming mikes and stress help a school’s evaluation process… It’s a bit like in that border collie training book I read where they caution you to pick the animal with the strongest herding instinct to train for show, rather than picking the animal with the strongest herding instinct who also has say, a red coat. i.e. you are adding an extra layer of criteria that will in fact limit your chances of picking the best. It was an interesting lesson in this old book that some animals can look like real non-descript mutts and yet perform breathtakingly in herding trials.)

Back in the auditorium. It’s amazing how little parents smile at each other at these things. Idly, I remember wondering what this lady seated near me would do if I gushed, “OOOH, IS THAT THE LATEST LV BAG???” Or “Umm… HOW old is your child?” (Technically this can be insult OR compliment but what are the odds in this environment anyone gives you the benefit of doubt?) There’s a lesson somewhere in there about human nature.

We kept Rockstar as busy as possible with Lego, leading up to his turn. Well everything he’s got isn’t really age-appropriate, but I picked a set that was not-so-new that he might not find it enjoyable, yet one that he hadn’t gotten bored with yet. He could still hear booming announcements, but not have only the other kids/ parents reacting to nerves around the room to look at. “Well everyone is waiting for their turn to get into the playdate area. You have to wait for the most popular rides at Disney too, right?” 

(Yeah I really don’t subscribe to this because I question how good a school is if their selection criteria of little kids includes the ones that simply don’t freak easily, but if you really wanted to try then I think it helps a lot for your child not to pick up on everyone else’s nerves, including and especially yours. My erm, “effort” with the Lego was kind of my way of “accepting” that sometimes you have no choice but to subject your child to some of these things, you can’t protect your child from everything. But. I will limit the number of times I have to do that – and I will do what I can to get Rockstar to get through it, the very few times I can’t limit it. I wanted Rockstar’s confidence and belief in Shiny Happy Education People to go up, with him “clearing more interviews” than being turned down.)

One of JD’s trainers used to say the most important thing was training the owner to communicate correctly. I remembered that after reading an article about the body language of George Bush, Bill Clinton and Cesar Millan, Dog Whisperer. Dogs are apparently really sensitive to body language, and early on we also had to remember things like always stepping away with say, the right foot when you wanted the dog not to react and follow you, stepping away with the left foot when you wanted the dog to move too. Reason is because the dog’s eye level when it’s heeling next to you is about knee level – so a wrong step is especially jarring to the dog. What this taught me was to consider what things look like from the dog and yes, the 4yr old’s point of view, not just my own…)

Sometimes Kings or I would look up while keeping Rockstar distracted, and recognize familiar faces. Once, indicating a couple we know to be super kiasu (competitive) and obsessive across the auditorium, I remember remarking to Kings, “They’d never believe we’d pick ESF over this (much more expensive, perpetually unnamed) school.” Not because there had ever been anything wrong with ESF, but because had the “cooler,” more expensive facilities and such.

For the record – we definitely felt nerves. And both Kings and I have been through some real pressure-cooker situations at work and what-not. How much harder is it then, on a child – unless you as a parent really try to work at minimizing it. Sorry to say, but if you walk into a kiddie school interview really nervous or snapping at your child to excel and remember their ABCs and your child is not the kind who does well in that setting, then I believe you are the one doing your child a disservice.

You have to know what brings out the best in your child first. You cannot help the oversubscription, the behavior of others, or even school policies that include turning down “too stubborn” children. But you can choose how your child sees you react to them.

Oh, and avoid the cornfields. You never know……..

JD Keeping A Lookout For Cornfields

Ps: There might be a part 3 sometime…