Hedge Funds and The Stock Market in Parenting

Posted on February 7, 2011 by admin

Caveat… The inlaws have taken Rockstar off my hands and they stock Nescafe 3-in-1 in the house… Welcome to the World of What Happens When Aileen ODs On Caffeine And Sugar…

In another life, I opened product presentations to Relationship Managers (RMs) with, “I can create a 1 year 100% principal protected product that could pay 1,000% return (no cap) on your client’s investment.”

How?

Place the client’s money in 1 year fixed deposit with a bank. With the fixed deposit interest, buy a lottery ticket.

The catch, of course, is the probability of getting that massive payout. Most people prefer the high probability of small gains to the low probability of massive gains.

In psychologist Walter Mischel’s study performed on 6 year olds, the children could ring a bell when they wished for a small cookie, or they could wait til the experimenter came in the next 20 mins and rewarded their wait with a large cookie.

Guess which was harder?

Couldn’t find the cookie video but here is a cute marshmallow one (you will get the idea):

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EjJsPylEOY]

The study was to illustrate the beginnings of self control and discipline. 6 year olds sitting on their hands, singing to themselves, intently examining the bell, anything to keep themselves from caving and taking the smaller cookie. Not that different from us parents.

Nassim Taleb, author of The Black Swan and Fooled By Randomness, is….. a guy whose books I try to display impressively on my bookshelves because they make me look smart. (Ok, not really.) He runs Empirica, a hedgefund that buys cheap out-of-the-money options, betting on the low probability of making massive gains. (Except his team of PhDs number crunch to increase their odds of picking the right lottery and ticket and make sure they don’t pay too much for it.)

No brainer? Buying options limits your loss to the amount you spent on the option, selling options exposes you to unlimited potential loss?

Try watching truckloads of options you bought expire worthless (slow bleed) 364 days in a year, hoping to make it all back and much more 1 or 2 days a year. Every instinct is telling you to flee. Or do the opposite – sell options for instant gratification, ignoring the possibility that a plane might plough into the World Trade Center and blow up your entire trading position. It’s also why Mr Taleb of the slow bleed, when watched closely, displays the toll steady losses and working against your natural instincts (albeit number crunching can prove said instincts wrong) can take – by purportedly developing a dislike for Mahler (which was playing when his fund lost money), parking in the same lot during winning streaks, and various other superstitious tics.

In other words, it’s why markets teach us to pray.

You can do everything right, and someone could still drive a plane into a tall building.

And it doesn’t even have to be a plane.

Smallpox has been eradicated for the last I don’t know, 50 years? No one has an immunity anymore – to smallpox, or any other number of diseases we wiped out of circulation decades ago…

A little rubber cap on the top of a test tube in a lab somewhere, slowly being eroded by time…

Then there’s when you find the options you want too “expensive” to shell out for. So then you figure you can cheapen that by selling a few options of your own.

Maybe you’ve heard of a certain investment product that fits that description?

They’re called Accumulators.

(If you didn’t get that, accumulators killed a lot of investors few years ago – because in order to afford the relatively expensive (ie attractive) options of buying stocks or currencies at a cheaper-than-market price, you had to sell options that required you buy the same stock/currency if the market instead tanked.

But that’s not all. Pre latest crisis, people believed the market was going up and up. Options that bet on the market going up and up therefore cost a lot more than the ones betting the market would go down – in other words, you had to sell a lot more options than buy, to afford some accumulator structures. Which means if you were wrong, you lost money twice, thrice as fast as the attractive options you bought would earn you.

Guess what happened, last financial crisis?)

Economist Eugene Fama once concluded that if you charted the ups and downs of the stock market in a normal distribution, it would have a “fat tail”. In an ordinary normal distribution, a “really big jump” is something like every 7,000 years. In the real life stock market however, he observed jumps of that magnitude every 3 or 4 years.

Why?

Investors are nuts. They don’t behave in any kind of “statisticial orderliness”. When it’s their money at stake, they change their mind. Get greedy. Copy each other. Panic. Do stupid stuff. There’s a reason they coin the phrase “the stock market can remain irrational longer than you can remain liquid.”

Am I just high, or can today’s parents, so emotionally invested in their children, be as tempted to behave in that way?

It’s also a good argument to pray for your children, and to teach them to pray.

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Chinese New Year Fashions

Posted on February 5, 2011 by admin

Front door of my parents’ home in Penang… and some of the greenery my mum lovingly fills the place with… You know this pic is real because Kings is on one of his two berries. As usual.

At CNY, I wear whatever my mum buys. (Once we’re in Seremban where no one cares what Kings and I wear, Rockstar wears whatever my mum in law wants. Rockstar doesn’t care what he wears. Unless he hates it.)

Except for serious wedding-type stuff, I care little what I wear during family trips back to Malaysia. Or what Rockstar eats (not that it’s a big problem, he doesn’t particularly care for junk). Or what his sleep schedule is like.

For us, Malaysia at CNY is like Vegas: What Happens In Grandmum’s House, Stays In Grandmum’s House. Rockstar is reminded midnight indoor bubble-gun fights are not part of life in Hong Kong. (He’s asked why. The answer is not eating/ sleeping right/ the occasional furniture-ruining activity aren’t “things you do long-term” because they have “long-term disadvantages.”)

Meals at “Pineapple” kopitiam (yummy)

Fish swimming in tank fitted inside vintage appliances that have been here for like, forever

(confusing – yes those are real fish not tv test patterns)

Back to the original bit about what my mum bought for me to wear this NY:

(1) Black (yes, seriously) tee with chain embellishment, Label Unknown

(2) Pink top with lace trim – label says “Pots.” Don’t Know What That Is

(3) White top with red embroidered piping, East India

(4) Purple jersey dress, also by “Pots” (and in roughly the same shade of purple as a cotton blouse I compliment my mum on.)

I have no idea what my mum buys beforehand. (But I do wear it with Marc Jacobs ankle boots, old FCUK cargos, J Brand jeans (rolled up), a Blue Cult skirt, USD 19.90 Temple St Clair for Target bracelets and necklaces and FOS flip flops.)

Ah, FOS. The day I found a Victoria’s Secret pink lab tee for like, RM 13 thereabouts, I vowed never to shell out USD 15 and up online again. Then I discovered they have Ed Hardy – which retails for like, 10 times the FOS price at the flagship store in International Finance Center, HK. So now most of the tees I wear in HK summer are from FOS. Some of my other Malaysian girlfriends in HK do the same.

This CNY in Seremban it’s a red Mick Jagger lips and tongue rock tee by Junk Food, and giant rosary-style cross on offer at Forever 21 for RM 20. And my mum’s East India top doing all the rounds.

Bi-annual trips seem to work best (not that Kings can manage anything more often anyway, with his work schedule) – without enough time to fall out of love/ drive each other nuts, we can be a lot more laid back about “parenting suggestions.”

The HK-KL flight was full of Malaysians living abroad – we recognized 2 families of acquaintances on the same flight. One heading home, the other to Langkawi (another popular trend is not to go home but to vacation.) Pre-Malaysian CNY everyone was still on Hongkie dress code – boots, more makeup, leather jackets. We go from about 10 degrees Celsius to 30 degrees Celsius every lunar new year. Before we head back, we’ll arm ourselves with umpteen HKD 20 and 50 “lai-sees” for the doormen and waiters at restaurants where we’re regulars.

Being unmarried at CNY in HK is kinda cool in that back at work you can go around in packs wishing the smug marrieds a prosperous new year and relieving them of one more obligatory lai-see. Those are like HKD 40 – 500, depending on closeness and level of seniority. Most Awkward Situation I witnessed was one of the most popular Aussie ex-bosses I worked for getting ambushed first thing in the morning after the CNY hols – loud prosperity wishes occasionally interspersed with “WAA-IIT! I’m not ready!!” as he hurriedly stuffed his lai-sees in front (and much to the amusement) of his staff.

Even as the Rockstar leaves exhausted, if blissful, grandparents in his wake.

Random Penang street picture.

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Snack at Mc Donald’s in Queensbay Mall

Posted on February 3, 2011 by admin

*Updated on 12 Feb 2011 with pics after we got back..

New Year, Old Friends

I haven’t met K in maybe a decade. She’s one of my friends from secondary school – except we didn’t attend the same school. Her very well-behaved almost-6 year old wants Mc Donald’s for a mid-day snack. Rockstar is camped out at Coffee Bean in Queensbay Mall (they have toy cars to drive just upstairs!) asleep on my parents’ laps while Kings and I organize catch-ups with Penang friends nearby.

When my family moved from Sandakan to Penang (I was born in PJ), I was expected to start all over again in a martial art my school did offer, otherwise it would simply not be a recognized activity on my school leaving cert. I’d spent the last 3 years in belt gradings, I didn’t want to start over. K’s school had the nearest training center. If there was such a thing back then (seems nothing, compared to what HK can be like today), I guess my own school was probably a more “desirable” school in terms of academic performance.

I loved training at K’s school. They had a taekwondo club, and for months I trained there (among other centers – I trained at least 5 days a week) using all their club facilities. K joined later – she was a sprinter on the track and field team who wanted to learn a little self defense on the side.

I wished she went to my school. Then I wished she were part of my life in Singapore. By the time I followed Kings to Hong Kong I was resigned that we would hang in different circles. But my girl friends from my new life would have loved her. Fair, with wide, lighter-brown eyes and long wavy hair, so would my male friends. Once, I planned for one of my college mates to strike up a long distance relationship with her (didn’t work out, we quickly realized she’d just started seeing someone).

In another life, she would have kicked butt in Hong Kong – when we met in our teens, her father had walked out on the family. She would accept assistance from none of us. She helped her mum get by, including taking care of an aunt with special needs, until one day she had extra school expenses. Then she picked up the phone and told her father he at least owed it to her to get them through that one patch. He did.

From my sheltered world of extra school subjects, extracurricular activities and zero social life, I looked at this girl, a few years my junior in school – about 5 ft 3, with delicate features on the outside, resilient, tough on the inside and with absolutely zero self pity.

I had so much respect for her.

I never figured out how to tell her that.

At state championship time, I realized during weigh-in when we submitted our forms that K’s school club had paid my entrance fee. “We paid as a club,” their team captain explained – only when I asked. “It’s only a few ringgit, we assumed you wanted to enter too.” We’d all been training religiously for our black belts (and I also had a grade 8 in piano and an ongoing state debate competition) – the championship, 10 days before the belt grading, was barely on my radar – I’d forgotten the closing date so they’d included me when they entered as a team.

How different from the circle of “friends” I had in school – I had so many extracurriculars I missed regular lessons often, and in getting the notes from a classmate I thought was a friend, I learned – too late – that she had given me the wrong chapters to study for an upcoming test.

In the middle of the tournament, their – my team captain gruffly handed me a lunchbox I hadn’t paid for. “We ordered for our whole club anyway.”

My final round in the tournament was one of the last fights of the day. Habitually I don’t look at score tallies if I can help it (because I figure you need to win, regardless whether there is a lot or not, riding on your fight). Suited up and waiting to get into the ring, some kids from K’s school asked “Um, which school are you fighting for?” That was the first time anyone had ever asked me that, all the time I trained there.

Only when it was over did I learn my gold had to be included in the medal tally towards K’s school for them to bring the overall challenge trophy home. It was raised that technically I didn’t go to their school.

Almost 2 decades ago in Penang. I worked in Singapore, then in Hong Kong, and now I Rockstar. 3 mergers and acquisitions, umpteen friendships and disappointments. How flakey do I sound, it remains one of my proudest achievements, speaking up about being part of K’s school team – I hadn’t trained a day in my own school, don’t think they cared, they are a Karate school. But it mattered to me.

So many years, so many experiences, so many relationships later, the friendship with some of my team mates, still so precious.

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Coming Clean On CNY Eve

Posted on February 2, 2011 by admin

For like, forever, we’ve been putting Rockstar’s meds in his milk when he’s sick*. Then we tell him he’s gotta finish that or we’re going to force feed him his medication.

(*Giant no-no for babies – we were taught to feed them medication on an empty stomach because if you put it in milk or feed them on a full stomach they might not finish their feed, or they might burp half of it out. In Rockstar’s case we make him drink up.)

Sometimes we put the milk (also, porridge or soup) in wine or martini glasses. Or we let him make his own milk (his current favorite.)

For the last few visits our pediatrician has been wondering why Rockstar keeps telling her “I don’t need medicine. I drink my milk.” She’s started arguing with him that he does need medicine. Time to come clean. Before Rockstar catches us duping him and swears off milk forever.

So this cold season I’m putting medicine in his milk right in front of him. Except he’s been too busy eating the milk and Ovaltine powder out of the tin as he makes his own warm drinks (I switch spoons several times to avoid “double dipping” but he probably still sneaks one by occasionally).

Finally, he takes the bait. “What you doing with the medicine?”

My heart skips a little beat. Moment of Truth time. (In my most reasonable voice) “Well, when you’re sick Mummy puts medicine in your milk. Because you don’t like the taste if we just feed it to you, we mix it in your milk.” I haven’t stopped moving about the kitchen, but I sneak a glance at him. He started nodding thoughtfully at the not liking the taste bit.

(It’s a gross understatement – he fights so hard when we try to force feed him the medicine half the time he throws it up – with anything else that’s still in his stomach. And then we really have no idea how much he’s taken in.)

“That’s why Mummy sometimes asks you to finish your milk. When there’s no medicine in it is when Mummy doesn’t insist you finish it.”

So reasonable I sound theatrical.

<slightly longer pause than usual>

“Okay.”

PPHHEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

One of our pediatricians, the one Rockstar hates, is old school. “The mark of good parenting is how well you get your child to do something he really doesn’t want to do.” It’s possible this is one of the reasons Rockstar hates him so much – he was in earshot.

Not sure this was what the good doctor had in mind, but I’ll take it.

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The Second Kung Fu Lesson

Posted on January 31, 2011 by admin

Rockstar and I had a deal – we get the Official Kung Fu Uniform he wants, if he pays attention in his second class. It was a slow start to the first lesson, but Rockstar left with enthusiasm that carried on to the following week.

So…. it’s after the second lesson and I didn’t get the official Kung Fu uniform.

Rockstar told me not to.

Back to splashing in a fountain (allowed, at this fountain) in the uniform he does like wearing..

Like in the first lesson, Rockstar spent at least half the class not joining in, though he did try a wee bit more in the second class than in the first.

There’s a new “senior” in the little kids’ class this time – long, wavy blonde curls. He also seems markedly older than everyone else in this class (he really doesn’t look or sound 5, and I thought Rockstar was in the under 5 class). The senior boy hates school. Loudly declares there’s absolutely nothing to like about it. (Anxiously I glance at Rockstar who looks mildly surprised.) Talks quite a bit. Crawls about on all fours and horses around without much regard for the instructor.

To be clear, he did absolutely nothing to Rockstar. In fact, no matter how rowdy the class gets, no one so much as accidentally bumps my tiny son prone to taking everything too seriously. Some of the other boys try to get him to join in, and it’s a heartwarming scene I hope I’ll remember for some time, until the instructor calls them to rejoin the class. It is possible my son might be too young for the class, we’ll be reviewing that when we finish up the lessons. 2 more to go, we paid HKD 1100 for 4.

But the senior boy gives me a bad impression of the class itself. This may be me being biased and judgmental because of my impression of martial arts and its discipline. It’s one of the reasons we were hoping Rockstar would do some martial arts, we believe it to be character building (Kings then figured to kill two birds with one stone on a very local Hongkie class, which we erroneously thought we had enrolled Rockstar in – but then this class turns out to be in English). We keep looking for something Rockstar can pick up a little Cantonese in because his Canton is not up to speed and I have non-English-speaking inlaws.

Even if he really can’t follow (which we don’t really care about at his age), we wanted him to see juniors respecting seniors and their teachers/ instructors. Class discipline. That’s uh, not happening here.

Right now the more well-behaved little kids (one of whom is brought to class by a grandmother who snaps at him in Putonghua the moment he squirms, while otherwise speaking perfect English) are bowing to the most unruly child in the class by virtue of his belt. I’m uncomfortable with the imagery.

<thinking> He looks and sounds much older. He looks like he should have been in the older class where he would have been one of the more junior belted ones, with properly behaved seniors as role models in the older class.

Why has he been placed in the position of role model in the little kids’ class?

Why was he awarded that belt?

(Very easy for me to judge, maybe he’s a very tall, very advanced 5 year old, maybe he’s already been held back for several belt exams, I don’t know how tough it might be for his mum, etc – his parents weren’t around when we arrived, I have no clue. The only thing I know is the most unruly boy is the senior and lots of more well-behaved younger boys are bowing to him.)

Guiltily, I’m back to my initial first impression, wondering if this class is a bit commercialized. N-ot that my own son looks particularly attentive or disciplined, quietly examining his fingernails at the back of the class (which I recognize as defensive posture when he feels shy and intimidated). But Rockstar’s 3 and this is his second lesson. He may not be joining in (he did eventually and there’s a 4 year old who’s a slow starter too), but neither Rockstar nor the 4 year old are disrupting the class. The senior boy by virtue of his belt color should have sat for at least 2 belt gradings. How did he get that far being that unruly?

I’m not the only mum thinking it. There’s a French mum (who later tells me she’s been in Hong Kong just 4 months) who turns and comments they’re being “too patient” with the older boy.

Still, I’d be lying if I claimed that was the reason Rockstar turns and whispers, “I don’t want the uniform.” There are more kids in the class this time, and he’s obviously the newbie by a long shot, everyone else has been in the class long enough to know all the names of the moves as the instructor calls them out. If we’d had a chance to do it again, we would’ve joined with another newbie.

But because of the senior boy, I’m not unhappy when Rockstar says it’s not a good idea to get his uniform because he “hasn’t decided” he likes Kung Fu lessons. French mum remarks “that’s wise.”

I really should be checking out the ESF sports program. It’s supposed to be the largest and most comprehensive one around and all I got round to after just coming back from vaccie was asking some other mums what they were going for – then when they said they hadn’t looked at it then either I became total Slacker Mum.

So no cute pictures of Rockstar in uniform. Just some cheese. I learnt that from French mum. That’s Babybel, it’s absolutely great as a snack in cooler weather (so it doesn’t spoil) – individually wrapped (clean!) and the hard waxy casing keeps it from getting squished in handbags.

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School Outing To Watch The Gruffalo

Posted on January 29, 2011 by admin

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yq1ddK-Rlng]

1 Gloucester Road.

How hard can it be? I may not know how to say “Hong Kong Academy Of Performing Arts” in Cantonese, but I got “Gloucester Road” down pretty good. “Glow-See-Ta Tow”. (“Tow” for “road”).

The taxi pulls up at – a car dealership.

“#1 Gloucester Road” the aged cabbie announces triumphantly.

My heart sinks. This is so not where they are showing a play about a hairy monster made up by a mouse. I timed it just right. We’re going to be late. I can’t make the cabbie understand no matter how frantically I gesticulate.

(And btw you bloody cabbie – you insisting so loudly this is #1 that I can’t get a word in and have to wait for you to shut up still does NOT make it #1. Why the hell would I be bringing my school-uniformed son on school trip (which we were just chatting about) to a car showroom?)

He’s not moving. He still wants to argue this is #1. Time is ticking by and I look at the Wan Chai traffic in despair.

“Go home, mum?”

Not helping. Rockstar’s latest smartass answer has been “go home,” for any glitch under the sun. And how come he’s not more interested in the show? Because he’d rather have normal school on the day I’m guessing.

Somehow I remember the Cantonese word for “theater.” You-know, people-performing. School-children-watching. “OH. ————“. I have no idea what he just said. He keeps repeating in Cantonese. He can’t make me understand no matter how loudly he says it. Then he keeps apologizing. Gives us a HKD 10 discount on his fare. I really don’t care about the money. I want to not be late.

We lose 15 minutes navigating that short distance to the right address because that road is congested with loading and unloading trucks. Guiltily I wonder if we were really lucky enough to just make it in time or whether his class was kind of giving us a few minutes before heading in. I feel terrible. Make mental note to try to be especially helpful next time I get to volunteer.

(Honestly if I hadn’t got to volunteer at the school a lot of these things wouldn’t cross my mind. Now any time my own child has a school activity, I think Yeah he’s just 1 kid if he’s late/ brings peanut snacks/ little choking-hazardous toys – but they have like, 80 little kids on that floor. Even if just 1 in 5 mums has that thought like I do, that’s a lot more work.)

We try to relax as the 55 minute show starts.
20 minutes later, “I need the toilet.”
“I asked you just now. Can you wait?”
<Nod> He does.

No further comment til the Gruffalo comes lumbering into the audience, hugs a bearded dad and pronounces the rest of us unhairy people “rubbish”.

Rockstar is affronted. “I’m not rubbish.” He says it quietly and clearly – in a tone I have come to recognize. I’m not surprised when he says he liked Stick Man better.

Then as we exit the theater –

“Carry!”

Sigh. For a split second I wish I was back in the days when that meant the interest rate differential between the 3-month LIBOR, fixed quarterly for the next 5 years, and the 5-year interest rate swap.

I look down. I know why it’s coming.

My pint-sized 3 year old knows I don’t want a scene at his school event. He’s right. He doesn’t try it much when he knows I’ll leave him to scream. But….. a school event. Parents. School staff.

Other turquoise-and-navy uniforms everywhere, I am conspicuously the only carry-er in the HKAPA lobby. Rockstar is well aware he is the only carry-ee. <Smug Rockstar>

Rockstar: 1

Me: 0

His teacher puts an end to it and I mouth a thank you before we leave. The moment she’s out of earshot he tries it again. We somehow make it outdoors (lots of loud traffic, he can scream) and then I leave him to stand at the overhead bridge stairs until he climbs up by himself. He finally does – but we’re 20 minutes late for his last haircut before CNY.

Final score: I’m not sure.

(In case you’re wondering, I sent Rockstar to school without his lunch once because he refused to feed himself. Didn’t believe he would be hungry and uncomfortable in school without food. 3 hours later he wolfed down an adult-sized spaghetti bolognaise. He never refused to eat something before school again.

When we travel, I have tipped waitresses to carry him off to the kitchen to do the dishes if he misbehaves in restaurants. Usually when the restaurant is relatively empty and he can scream all he wants. (Tip more if he screams more.)

Why not, no one in that country knows us. I love countries with a tipping culture.

Wish I knew what to do about school events.)

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School CNY Dress Up Day

Posted on January 28, 2011 by admin

Rockstar

Me: So… Grandpop bought these for you ages ago, which do you want to wear for School CNY Dress Up Day? <Holding up 3 shirts>

Rockstar: When is School CNY Dress Up Day?

Me: In 2 days. Thursday. So which shirt? <Holding each one up in turn>

Rockstar: Is tomorrow Thursday?

Me: No, tom is Wednesday, you have Putonghua with Ms Cindy. So which one, so I can get it ironed?

Rockstar: Ms Cindy coming tomorrow?

Me: <getting impatient> Yes. You need to pick a shirt for the day after tomorrow. To wear to school. For Dress Up Day.

Rockstar: What time is Ms Cindy coming?

Me: You really don’t care what you wear for Dress Up Day, do you?

Rockstar: Nope.

Evil Twin

Lots of other kids at school do care, though. There are hot pink cheongsams with grey fur trim and matching grey tights, brocade jackets with tiny brocade animals attached, tiny mandarin collars everywhere we look. Rockstar grudgingly picked one of the shirts – to wear with his school uniform – after more persuasion. He decides against one of the brocade hats, “Too hard to keep on in school.”

My father bought a bunch of those in various sizes shortly after Rockstar was born, for his first CNY. Approximately 48 hours later, we would cease to speak to each other for the next 2 years.

I hesitate. I had no regrets previously, so I don’t know why I think I’ll regret not sending a text message. “Not sure if you remember buying Rockstar some CNY costumes years ago. But I remembered and just dug them up. They’ll come in very handy at his school CNY dress up day. Will send a pic.”

11 minutes later, I get a reply.

Sometimes I don’t keep a distance out of anger. More to preserve hope that I won’t be disappointed. Disillusioned. Hurt. I don’t think that’s a bad idea. The sweetest idealist can turn into the bitterest cynic. But then the flip side is the fear of regret.

Praying and then a leap of faith help.

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5 About Parenting – Me

Posted on January 27, 2011 by admin

OK, I have my blog back – and some tough acts to follow 🙂

It was even more of a blessing than expected to have Azita, Cara and SorLo guest contribute over the last few days – cos I then caught a bad cold. But for them, my (usually almost daily) blog would feel the effects too. If you just got here, don’t forget to scroll down to read their entries to the same 5 questions below.

Rockstar turned 3 around Christmas. He has been attending ESF Kindergarten for about 4 months.

Caught in the rain at Stanley Market

1) How would you describe raising a child in Hong Kong today?

Unnecessarily stressful. Hopefully only if you allow it to be.

We’ve actually discreetly exited school briefings based on literal “first impressions” – whether we liked the person giving the briefing. Kings and I are overly sensitive to ‘tude and defensiveness. Sometimes it’s because we worry what parent-teacher conferences might be like even if we got in.

Exiting based on first impressions of the staff is not necessarily fair on a school, because parents here (me too, of course) can get especially loopy. Loopy parents make school staff more defensive/ stressed/ Just Plain Weird. This then makes more parents think they have to get more loopy to be taken seriously. It’s a vicious cycle.

We tend to encounter many acquaintances whose kids attend elite/ expensive private schools and because schooling in Hong Kong feels so new and different to what we remember from our own childhoods, we do feel pressured to simply follow suit.

I’m not sure enough notice is generally taken re how much the “package” of an elite school can be diminished by the intense competitiveness (and sometimes unpleasantness) that surrounds applications and evaluations. Sometimes it’s not just about the school staff (though sometimes it is). It’s about the other parents sitting in the waiting room with us.

Then we hear of parents who forge their children’s school reports even when the child didn’t get a very bad report, we know of parents who openly insist on being seated next to the admin staff of elite/ expensive schools at dinner parties <slowly creep away>.

Even as all the while we wonder how much of this stuff the little kids pick up on.

It would be wonderful to be around other less high-strung parents to help keep us from the temptation of crossing over to the Dark Side.

2) Particular curriculum, class size, physical layout/facilities, ethnic demographics, results in exams, commitment to extra-curricular programs, sports/music/arts programs, homework, private tuition, training/qualifications/dedication of teachers, whether the school is accredited by an outside organization (CIS, IBO etc)

Which of these are more important to you when making a decision involving your child’s education and why?

Every choice we ever make is a “package”. Especially when it comes to emotionally charged decisions like those involving our child, I find a mental list helps – ranking what’s important to us, what suits my child’s personality etc and then evaluating based on how much of our “list” each option fulfills. It also helps me not regret the choices I’ve made. I tell Rockstar, if you don’t know what you want, how can you know to be happy when you get it? I should follow my own advice.

Highest on our list right now is teacher and staff dedication and approachability. It determines whether our strong-willed child loves or hates learning.

It’s hard not to sound like we’re making a flakey argument, but the warm and fuzzy feeling from watching the principal make jokes at volunteer briefings, or the senior staff chatting casually with parents and kids, makes us feel we can come to ESF and have fruitful discussions about our child’s development (IF necessary) without feeling like there would be any defensiveness or ‘tude in the background of our discussions.

Later on academic performance might have some weighting, but for us that means finding a school that has some top performers and is a good fit, rather than say one that has all mediocre performers or all top performers and bad fit.

I’m a little worried about larger class sizes at ESF primary schools because since they are subsidized by the government, the class size is also set by said government at 30. Haven’t come to that yet… Because we like everything else so much… I think I’m actually quite happy for them to charge more and lower the class size 😛

But we watched a neighbor’s son at one of the ESF schools grow from a 13 year old with a B-and-C average who didn’t really like Math into a Columbia University undergrad with an internship at a major investment bank in New York so we’re a little biased. His parents are some of our role models in parenting, but by “paper” standards would never be considered “high-flyers” here. And we watched their son thrive at the school for years.

3) How important is learning music and/or playing a sport as a supplement to your child’s education?

We haven’t started Rockstar on music lessons, he doesn’t seem to have special feelings about Kung Fu. But he likes cycling enough to keep getting back on his training-wheeled BMX after some pretty bad spills. So I milk that to illustrate the results and satisfaction that come from practice and not giving up easily. Not sure I could’ve gotten away with that via music or Kung Fu at the mom.

We cycle to church, the supermarket, halfway home from school… He cycles more than he walks.

4) How important is learning an additional language like Putonghua, Spanish, French (or other)?

Kings and I wished we had had more chance to learn Chinese when we were kids. More Malaysians who are illiterate in Chinese like we are prefer to send their kids to Chinese school than English, here. We don’t for 2 reasons:

1) Rockstar is already starting K1 quite young, I didn’t want the additional stress of “sink or swim Chinese” at his first real school experience, his first language is English.

2) The ESF Kindergarten “package” happened to score highest on the top item on our “list” (ie approachability. Elaboration at bottom of this post.)

So Rockstar regularly misses one day of school a week for one-on-one Putonghua lessons to supplement what he gets at ESF (about 20 minutes a week). Total Putonghua time ~3.5 hours/ week.

Kings constantly bemoans Rockstar’s lack of Cantonese exposure though.

5) Everyone’s children are different, and what helps one child excel may not work for another child… What decisions are you especially proud you made regarding your child(ren), and why was this particularly well-suited to your child?

Probably quitting my job to really get to know Rockstar. Learning how to communicate and manage him made the difference between whether he was “difficult” or enthusiastic and “driven” (if such a word can be used on a 3 year old).

Then it was finding a school I felt would really listen and nurture.

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5 About Parenting – SorLo

Posted on January 26, 2011 by admin

We first got to know SorLo for his thoughtful, heartfelt posts about family, then quickly noticed his passion for music as well. His daughter (and this is probably gross understatement) is pretty good with a violin.

My girl is 11 and now attending ISF Academy, one of the IB schools in Hong Kong.

1) How would you describe raising a child in Hong Kong today?

It’s hard to generalise. 10 people will have at least 11 different opinions. The greatest problem here is that people tend to admire over-achievers – the sooner, the more and the quicker, the better. Raising a child in HK can be tough, or easy. It really depends on the parents. If one chooses to go the tough way, fine. Who can say Amy Chua is wrong? (By the way, I do find the Tiger Mum’s self-defence in her interview with NPR interesting)

The bottom-line however is that it is not always easy to keep one’s sanity. Parents (myself included, of course) are naturally greedy. When the kids are strong at Math, parents will want them to be good at music too; if the kids have a talent in music, their parents will want them to master 3 languages… (add sports, martial art, singing to the list). High achievement, which is supposed to be a rarity, is now a ought-to-have, if not a must-have. Failing to see and accept that one’s own child is not bound to be among those who are capable of reaching certain height is a problem here (and in many big cities I believe).

About raising a child in HK generally, again it’s hard to generalise. Here you can find the best of the eastern and western worlds, and the worst of both worlds. It can be a real treasure to those who know what they want.

2) Particular curriculum, class size, physical layout/facilities, ethnic demographics, results in exams, commitment to extra-curricular programs, sports/music/arts programs, homework, private tuition, training/qualifications/dedication of teachers, whether the school is accredited by an outside organization (CIS, IBO etc)

Which of these are more important to you when making a decision involving your child’s education and why?

My girl’s school is new IB school (Diploma and MYP only, no PYP) which is known for its Chinese/English immersion programme and having small class size (15/class in primary school and 18/class in secondary).

As a hopelessly subjective man, I care about things that may not be important to many other parents. For examples, I absolutely hate “Simplified Chinese”. I call it “Deformed Chinese” (邪體中文) and insist that my girl should learn “Traditional Chinese” (Proper Chinese, 正體中文). I have little respect for schools that chooses to teach Deformed Chinese. The adoption of Deformed Chinese is to me proof of bad taste and lack of sound judgment. Why any school administrators should prefer anything so ugly to something so beautiful is beyond me.

It doesn’t matter to me that ISFA doesn’t have a track record. At least ISFA is not teaching the kids evil stuff when they are 6. As to why we did not choose a local school for our daughter, I won’t say they are not good. As a matter of fact many of them are excellent by any objective standards. I just don’t like them. Years ago we did apply to schools like St.Paul’s Co-ed. However, after attending a few briefing sessions and meeting the principals and other parents, I let the application forms go straight into the litterbin. Hum, what should I say? They are just kind of boring…

Having ruled out the boring and the ugly, there are not too many choices. Finally we let our daughter go to ISFA. Luckily, everything turns out fine.

A number of parents will complain about the homework load at ISFA. Whilst I won’t say the workload is light, it’s more about time management and self-discipline. Once the kids have established a homework pattern, things should be manageable. Our daughter used to hate Chinese and didn’t do well in her Chinese and Chinese math. It’s taken her 5 whole years to have enough basics under her belt to start to appreciate the language. Yes, there were times that she needed to struggle with Chinese, but I believe that she’s learnt something out of the struggles. She hasn’t got any outside school tuition. It’s not that we are against extra tuition. We will make extra tuition available if she tells us that she needs some, but only if she wants it.

As for extra curricular activities, she has violin lessons and Tai Chi at school, and, no and, that’s it. We give her a lot of free time so that she can do things she likes (like reading, swimming, walking the dog…) and learn to manage her own time. She has indicated that she wants to learn painting. We’ll get her a painting teacher when she wants it badly enough.

3) How important is learning music and/or playing a sport as a supplement to your child’s education?

When it comes to music, I’m biased, hopelessly biased. I don’t care how my girl does in a math test or a science assessment but I’d feel bad if one of my or our daughter music lessons does not go well. I managed to totally forget about our daughter school report (twice), but she never missed a violin lesson.

When she was young I insisted that she practiced everyday. It was almost religious. Even if she did not want to practice, she had to take the violin out and wipe off the rosin residue on the table.

To me, music is something above other earthly things. I don’t care about music exam, winning competitions or playing at Carnegie, but will feel grateful if our daughter has music as a friend. Learning an instrument is not easy and requires a lot of patience and endurance, which kids do not naturally have. It’s tough, but hard work pays.

4) How important is learning an additional language like Putonghua, Spanish, French (or other)?

To us, not learning Chinese and English is not an option. If our daughter wants to learn a third language in upper high school, it is up to her.

5) Everyone’s children are different, and what helps one child excel may not work for another child… What decisions are you especially proud you made regarding your child(ren), and why was this particularly well-suited to your child?

We genuinely trust our daughter and let her develop at her own pace. If we can claim 10% credit for her self-discipline, empathy and patience, we’ll be very proud of ourselves.

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5 About Parenting – Cara Ng

Posted on January 25, 2011 by admin

Cara, originally Canadian, runs a playgroup center in the New Territories for under 5s and has been so busy opening a second one it’s been hard to catch her (so I greatly appreciate her taking the time to fill this out).. It even took a few more messages (after she wrote the contribution below) so I could at least link to her playgroup center!

I have been in Hong Kong for almost 16 years and am married to a local Chinese man. We have two children, Liam and Riley. Liam will be 6 in mid-February and Riley will be 4 in early February. We decided to make use of the government pre-primary voucher scheme when we enrolled our children in a local Chinese-medium, church affiliated kindergarten. Sai Kung Lok Yuk Kindergarten has been a wonderful choice for our children. We are very lucky as there are quite a few other expats who have also chosen for their children to begin their school-lives at Lok Yuk. This means that there is a great mix of children attending the school, and that not all of them come from a Chinese-speaking home.

1) How would you describe raising a child in Hong Kong today?

One of my biggest problems with raising children in Hong Kong is that everything seems to be so expensive. Because my husband and I are both self-employed, our income is variable and not guaranteed. This can make budgeting quite difficult. I find that for English-speaking activities, you pay such a premium that it is priced out of our reach. There are, of course, exceptions to the rule but in general I find that there are very few free or virtually-free activities around. One of the reasons we are so happy with the kindergarten we have chosen is the fact that once you have the voucher from the government, the ½ day fees are nil…. That’s right…. NOTHING!

2) Particular curriculum, class size, physical layout/facilities, ethnic demographics, results in exams, commitment to extra-curricular programs, sports/music/arts programs, homework, private tuition, training/qualifications/dedication of teachers, whether the school is accredited by an outside organization (CIS, IBO etc)

Which of these are more important to you when making a decision involving your child’s education and why?

I think that parents need to consider all of the above when considering schooling for their children. But for us, it came down to one thing: language. We decided that it would be easier for the children to become fluent in Chinese by attending a Chinese-medium school and maintaining their English skills at home rather than trying to become fluent in Chinese while attending an English-medium school. It was VERY important to us that our children be fluent AND literate in Chinese, for many reasons. First, we wanted our children to cherish BOTH of their cultures. We wanted them to be able to communicate with their paternal grandparents. And we both believe that learning languages will only ever open doors for you, never shut them.

3) How important is learning music and/or playing a sport as a supplement to your child’s education?

My children love singing and dancing. We have not enrolled them into any serious music programmes as of yet. My son has asked for piano lessons on many occasions, but we have not been in a rush to enroll in them. We figured that they could learn them once they were in primary school.

As well, where we live inhibits attending a lot of classes. We live in an area of HK that is not easily accessible and only has limited public transportation. This makes taking children to various classes extremely difficult. Both my husband and I have to work most Saturdays so that means time to take other classes is very limited. When my children were younger, they did take Socatots for a term and LOVED it. However, due to the reasons above, we were unable to continue

4) How important is learning an additional language like Putonghua, Spanish, French (or other)?

As I said before, we believe languages are VERY important. However, I would not be rushing my children out to take extra classes to learn them. Right now, they are fluent in English and learning Cantonese and Putonghua. If I were to choose another language, I would choose French as it is what I learned in school and so could help them. It would also mean that if we ever moved to Canada, they would not be too far behind the Canadian students.

5) Everyone’s children are different, and what helps one child excel may not work for another child… What decisions are you especially proud you made regarding your child(ren), and why was this particularly well-suited to your child?

I don’t think that there is any decision that I am especially proud of, except that I decided long ago that I was NOT going to be a mother who had to worry about appearances, what any other kids were doing or learning and that I wasn’t going to get sucked into the “keeping up with the Jones’s” mentality. I think so far, we have accomplished this and our children are happy and well-adjusted because of it.

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