3 Queues

1. Pacific Place, about 5.50pm

She was perfectly made up. Her long hair was set into bouncy, luxurious waves, her lipstick freshly applied, her skin milky fair (no market for hitam manis attraction among north Asians), her long nails exquisitely manicured. Just enough perfume. She was also carrying 2-3 large shopping bags in each hand – Gucci. Max Mara. And, I notice with new respect for her tastes, Donna Karan.

Not DKNY, proper Donna Karan. I only know one store in Tsim Tsa Tsui. Every knee-length, drapey jersey dress I tried on cost around HKD 10,000. (Didn’t buy anything then, but I do have a very functional Donna Karan Double Zip Messenger Bag I paid ~ GBP 450 for in an online sale.)

There are 4 of us queue-ing for a cab when she approaches, I’m 3rd in line. She moves to stand behind me, and I assume she is the companion of the man standing last in queue. A minute later, however, she moves to stand in front of me and I realize she’s trying to cut the queue. She’s not very pushy, and when I don’t let her in (even if I wanted to, the man behind would kill me) she tries the person in front of me.

No one lets her in, but rather than join the back of the queue (which really isn’t very long by fast moving HK taxi queue standards – I would secure a cab in about 10 minutes) she continues to stand facing us as the queue moves. It starts getting longer, and I want to tell her after 6pm when the first wave of early leavers from the office hits, it’s going to be very long, so she better get in line.

The man behind me is joined by a woman who has obviously just gotten off work, by her very work-appropriate attire. They start talking about the well-groomed woman whom everyone has already assumed is from Mainland China (the main reason I didn’t warn her to get in line – I’m almost sure I can’t make myself understood to her, not with my shaky Putonghua and her obviously not having spent a lot of time in HK.)

I’m next in line for a cab. The working woman behind me says loudly to Ms Mainland China “Nobody is going to let you in the queue, ok. This is Hong Kong. We’re all tired. We just got off work. Get in line.” A flicker passes over her face, but I’m not sure how much she understood, she doesn’t reply or make eye contact.

As I get into my cab, she’s still standing there waiting for someone to let her in the queue, which is now snaking back and forth with more than 30 people in it.

View from a Queue

Uh, yes Rockstar, this Poh-poh looks very happy.

2. Ice House Street, 12.40pm

While I still worked… I sprint to the queue right after Hong Kong market close (12.30), and am first in line – I’m trying to get home for my weekly lunch with Rockstar. A lunch hour queue quickly forms, about 5 deep. The Caucasian man in his 50s in double-breasted suit standing behind me starts yelling and I see an asian auntie (who also looks to be in her 50s) now standing about 10 feet in front of us trying to hail a cab.

“Hey. Hey! HEY!  <auntie finally turns> YOU WAIT YOUR TURN LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!!”

Auntie scowls and crosses the road to try and steal a cab elsewhere.

3. Landmark, about 3pm

I feel a tug on my sleeve, turn, and jump. An auntie’s tear-soaked face is close to mine and she’s crying almost hysterically. She’s in mourning clothes. She’s still tugging on my sleeve. I’m so startled (this being my first encounter – there were of course more thereafter) I start stammering in English, not even thinking to try my dubious Cantonese.

When she hears me speak in English, she immediately moves on to the next person in the queue, and starts crying all over again.

There is however a guy I somehow ended up always giving money to near International Finance Center, after moving office. He’s been there a long time, recognizes me, and navigates the fast moving escalators by scooting, cross-legged, on his  bottom, because his legs don’t work and his hands are twisted. And Kings and I found it difficult not to give money when the beggars are old. (We just thought we have been blessed infinitely to be the ones who get to give.)

One day, two police officers stop me. Apparently by my action of giving this beggar money, I have identified myself as foreign / not having lived in HK for very long (back then), because they speak gently and politely in English, “It’s illegal in Hong Kong to give them money.”

When I get to work, I learn from my colleagues that the “correct” way of doing it is to give them food, say a lunchbox, as all cash is likely taken from them.

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The Taxi Queue in Times Square

Operation Last Minute Times Square Excursion For Snow Gear begins with a cab ride…

This cabbie only has 2 handphones… The max we’ve counted has been 4 or 5 (not counting the radio some of them use to call in locations and respond to taxi bookings)… They give out different numbers to different clients (based on timing – morning or afternoon shift – and whether the client is referred to them by another cabbie).

Why? Because they’ve formed their own cartels, particularly for long cab rides like to the airport (which costs ~HKD 200-300). If you call them and they’re too far away, they’ll ask a friend who is nearer your location to pick you up. The cabbies say they mostly started this during the SARS period when their income dropped some 30-40% and they had to figure out a way to survive.

Benefits to the clients:

They’ll always endeavor to send one of their friends over so you get a cab at a time when it’s hard to get one, even on the taxi hotlines. They don’t fleece you by taking a longer route (which is very common here) because they want you to call them back for the long distance rides. They try to be polite.

One of these groups once introduced a cabbie to us who spoke good English, from having lived abroad. We liked to engage him to pick my parents up from the airport if we were stuck at work since my parents don’t speak much Cantonese.

He offered to be on call to drive them around during the day for a flat fee of HKD 600. Very tempting – he was very entertaining with my parents – but we didn’t take it up because they’re supposed to use the meter.

Average cab fare one-way from our home to Causeway Bay or Central is about HKD 75. Most people who live where we do drive.

(Surprisingly luxury cars cost less to buy in Hong Kong than say Singapore:

second-hand 2.0 liter BMW Kings currently drives in Hong Kong = almost exact same cost as second-hand 1.6 liter Nissan Sunny he drove in Singapore.

It’s parking and petrol that kills you. As a result, some people get sexy luxury cars here to drive on weekends but take public transport to work.)

As a very general guide (from speaking to cabbies, so you be the judge) they can make upwards of HKD 20,000 a month (net) if they work hard 10-11 hour days. Some are out even during Typhoon 8 signals and Black rainstorm warnings,  and their 4 cellphones never stop ringing. One cabbie claimed to have hit HKD 30,000 before (but bearing in mind the median salary in the transport sector is HKD 10,000+ they must have very bad days or months too. Or else he’s simply not telling the truth.)

Thing is, they vary very widely – there’s a very intelligent and professional one Kings and I joke could’ve been a successful banker in another life. When another cabbie rammed into us from behind, he was the guy we called for advice.

(Cabbies go to a different, much cheaper garage to fix their cars than the general population of car owners; the cabbie who had rammed into us wanted to use his garage.)

We met another (very old guy) who said he was a retired engineer bored of sitting at home. He cabbie-ed when he felt like it.

One cabbie mentioned he’d sent 3 kids abroad to college. “It’s hard. <Pause> But it’s doable.”

(Wouldn’t say how much he made though.)

Another cabbie sent his (then) 14 year old daughter to Singapore to study because it was “cheap finding a foster home there” and he wanted to stop her hanging out with the wrong company in Hong Kong. One weekend he noticed some comments from her friends on her facebook account, and eventually figured out she had stolen her passport from her foster care givers in Singapore the night before, then hopped a plane and was sleeping on the beach on Lamma Island.

(He and his wife dragged her back. Now 19, she’s cleaned up good.)

Made it – Times Square, Causeway Bay

Fine, I’m a bad parent. (He does look a little pale, doesn’t he?)

Rockstar insisted on coming and I carried him most of the time, so there.

They’re having some “alternate reality”-type exhibition. Rockstar loves the “tire monsters” which is why he’s so willing to have his picture taken here.

15 MINUTES WITHOUT A SINGLE CAB DRIVING UP AT TIMES SQUARE?

The queue attendant (there to discourage queue cutters and assist passengers carrying too much shopping) starts apologizing to the queue (not that it’s his fault.)

People in the queue start dialing the hotline number to report congestion.

I start taking pictures of our view in the queue to while away the time.

Kowloon queue… Tantalizing, but no help there…

No, you can’t tell Kowloon from HK cabs except by the red paper sign they sometimes put in the window (see 2nd, 3rd cabs in the queue) which just means they’re not in service (because they don’t want to ferry anyone in HK, they’re waiting to take the tunnel back to Kowloon). You get to save one-way tunnel fare by taking a Kowloon cab on its way back, instead of a Hong Kong cab, if you’re going to Kowloon (but I prefer the MTR)

Impatient passengers on the Hong Kong queue walk over and ask if they’re willing to ferry them in HK instead.

(The answer is no probably because they’re not sure of the way and have decided the cost of being booked for a wrong turn or getting lost is more than the extra money from the HK fare).

Men held to a higher standard? Didn’t manage to take a pic of the more famous “Mence Beauty” salons who use Aaron Kwok as spokesperson…

Random People’s Recreation Community (PRC, geddit?) sign… (I’m waiting for a cabbie in a queue that hasn’t moved in 15 minutes and carrying a sleepy toddler, how good do you think my cellphone pictures are going to be?)

Here come the cavalry – collective sigh of relief as Hong Kong taxis start rolling in

Knights in neon armor

Our indignant cabbie:

“I waited <pause while he draws a breath> THIRTY MINUTES before I could get out of there and pick up a passenger!”

He says many people dialed the hotline (as did he) because of the congestion. The traffic cops were dispatched to clear it up – they diverted further traffic from entering the congested area leading up to the Times Square taxi queue

(Btw, never try to bribe a traffic cop who stops you in Hong Kong – private joke between my Malaysian friends)

FUH-INALLY we are on our way back

We live in the Hong Kong CyberportMicrosoft Hong Kong occupies almost 4 floors here…

Hello, Ms Sphinx who guards the main entrance to the thousands of apartments in 3 development phases

Hello, stark white lobby entrance that makes us feel we need sunglasses in any season

Aren’t you just a little impressed I managed to take this shot on my cell while lugging a sleeping 13kg toddler and handbag? Pretend! Please!

View from our bedroom window while I settle Rockstar for his nap

To the right, open seaview

To the left, Bel-air Phase 4 and 6

Don’t even think of trying to take pictures in that pool when it’s crowded – they don’t allow picture taking  – the lifeguard stopped me taking pictures of Rockstar because there were other people in the background of the shot (and btw most people dress really well to go down for a swim)

And those houses next to the pool?

One 5600 square foot house will set you back about HKD 130 mio…

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Snow in August and Other Things

“Let’s go someplace with snow!” the person I For Better Or For Worse With enthuses.

I blink. We leave for Melbourne in less than a week. But I’m not surprised:

“Let’s buy an apartment” (we did, in Singapore – never got to live in it)

“Let’s move to Hong Kong” (eventually sold the Singapore apartment for tiny net profit)

“Let’s buy an apartment” (we did, in Hong Kong – eventually took profit on it. Little early though – look at where the market is now – but we won’t complain, we did well.)

“Will you marry me?” (ok fine, this one seems to be working out for the moment)

So I guess we will be looking for snow. I’ve never even seen real snow. Just never got round to it. Never been into the Disneyland theme park, either (but have camped out in their café to read – I blame the dealing room days, I read and write better with noise and action going on around me). I’d much rather catch Zumanity in Vegas (the risqué version of Cirque De Soleil) again

Don’t like gambling in Macau either, after my last experience couple years back – they take your money too fast and are just too business-like about it. If you’re slow, the dealer might cluck in impatience. They don’t want to make small talk, they just want to take your money.

We gamble only for entertainment, or to be social (when there’s a pool of 100 lottery tickets at one go and someone builds a spreadsheet to check them all. A structurer told me he once honed his skills by figuring the number of tickets in an average lottery that one had to buy, to win – it was something like 15 million. So what happens if you bought 14 million? If you had that much money why would you be hoping to win the lottery in the first place?)

Therefore, the money we budget for gambling we consider “entertainment costs”, rather than any chance to turn a profit.

This cavalier attitude might not be welcome at the tables in Macau where you can sometimes feel the irritation emanating out of the seasoned gambler next to you when you do something they consider dumb. We’ve been told off nicely by another gambler for not thinking before we laid down our cards. (In contrast, a Vegas dealer might say “Aww, honey – are you sure you wanna do that?”

A girlfriend got into a VIP room of one of the major Macau casinos years ago by virtue of the story she was writing with another journalist at the time. They laughed in private at the shirt a guy was wearing, were amazed at the instant noodles the women in the entourage were consuming, considering it was the VIP lounge – then caught their breath at the chips in front of Guy With Curtain Cloth For Shirt – he had at least USD 1mil erm, “entertainment cost” on his table. That they could see, that is. No wonder they don’t want us to waste their time.

Anyway. Rockstar came back from Seremban with a fever and diarrhea, and we are trying to get on a 9-hour flight in a few days. He’s napping on the sofa with his bum in the air as I type to a background of CNBC news.

At Seremban City Park before he got sick

Even if he weren’t sedate, the fever would keep him out of school, not to mention major play areas like PlayTown and Wisekids Playroom who are all serious about temperature checks (they allow coughs and colds though – but some conscientious local parents put facemasks on their children).

I even got a call from Rockstar’s school suggesting I take him home early one day, after he registered a higher temperature because we had been swimming in the sun all morning (where were they when he contracted full-blown Foot Mouth Disease, I would like to know.)

People put a lot more facemasks on here than say, Malaysia. I caught myself apologizing to another mum when Rockstar coughed (from running around too much) near her small baby the other day.

“If he never gets sick, he’ll be a very weak adult when he grows up,”Rockstar’s pediatrician always says. Now, if only there were no killer flus waiting around the corner as the next epidemic here.

On the offchance we make our vaccie (Dr Wong thinks we will), I went looking for a waterproof coat (it almost never rains in Hong Kong winter – none of his cold wear is waterproof) for Rockstar:

D & G puffer jacket: HKD 2950

Diesel puffer: HKD 1490 (It’s. Just. Diesel!! What gives?)

FOR CHILDREN’S JACKETS??

Find Paul & Shark waterproof jacket in Ap Lei Chau warehouse for HKD 1400.

Original price: HKD 3500. Unbelievable.

Will borrow what I can from a girlfriend.

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Tales From The Dark Side (Part 2)

Mummy landed what she thought was her First Big Break Job almost 3 years after she first started working. It was a huge, international bank and she was the youngest “experienced hire.” Save for a highly-credentialed China scholar of almost the same age as Mummy who was assigned to a completely different team, the average age of everyone else was a good 5-10 years older. Management Trainees (as opposed to “experienced hires”) were about Mummy’s age, made less, and back then had to have a 1st class honors degree to get attached to the dealing room of this bank.

Mummy is not a highly-credentialed scholar. All she has is an Accountancy degree from Nanyang Technological University in Singapore (and good A-level results and extra-curriculars). No honors (Great Grandmum passed away. Mummy flunked her first exam in her life.)

How Mummy ended up in her First Big Break Job:

During the first banking merger of Mummy’s career, she volunteered for all kinds of gofer jobs that other erm, more normal people would have felt beneath them. Most people took advantage. Some didn’t – they began to train Mummy when the market was quiet. Mummy lapped up anything she could learn, scribbling in notebooks, sticking post-its.

And she always said thank you.

People are not obliged to teach you:

“Do you know what time it is?”

Someone who wants to teach you: “9.55am. The HK stock market will open in 5 minutes. It’ll probably open up because you can see that’s where the pre-market is so stop eating your freaking breakfast and get ready to try and get as many of your orders done as you can before the freaking market runs. And don’t even think of going to the toilet after it opens.”

Someone who doesn’t want to teach you but is being forced by their boss to do so: “Yes.”

One of Mummy’s gofer jobs included printing financial statements off the Bloomberg and manually inputting the data for number-crunching into some New-Fangled Portfolio Management Thingy. Sometimes she was thrown a bone, she was allowed to sit in on the discussion meetings for New-Fangled Portfolio Management Thingy. She madly scribbled all kinds of things she didn’t quite understand and then googled them.

That’s how she found the research papers written about New-Fangled Portfolio Management Thingy (which has since been acquired by Moody’s.)

Several nights a week, Mummy would come back to the dealing room after dinner and read research papers until really late. She hadn’t received that much math / technical training in university, so sometimes it would take her the whole night just to make sense of a half-page of research. In the mornings, she tried to make every question she got to ask the seniors count.

The topics in the discussion meetings started to make more and more sense.

A bonus was Mummy’s The Emperor Has No Clothes epiphany – some of the seniors were simply regurgitating from the research papers. Word for word. It didn’t seem like some of the bosses noticed. But Mummy never said so. She did however start to make sense at job interviews.

The interview for First Big Break Job

Was a call out of the blue – Mummy has your father to thank for that because he convinced her to fax her resume to one of the dealing room fax machines (not the HR department) even though there was no indication they were hiring.

Daddy kept an inch-thick pile of rejection letters from his early bank interviews. He would flip it back and forth the way most people thumb through Marie Claire to spur either of us on. And he told Mummy never to ask for a low salary – because it signifies a lack of confidence. Ask for a high(ish) salary after checking the market, Daddy would say. Even if you don’t get the high salary, you will still be in the running for the job. Ask for the low salary, he went on, and you won’t even be called back.

The first time Mummy named her salary, she was terrified. Though she had already confirmed with reliable headhunters that it was an acceptable market rate, she would have been willing to work for this bank for much less. She gave a number about 60% higher than her original salary.

She was eventually paid some 65-70% higher.

Bullies:

(Barked at Mummy) “Pick up my calls by the third ring if you see me busy.”

“WHY are trying to speak to my clients?” (When Mummy picked up the phone)

“Before you learn to fly, you’ll have to learn to crawl. So <pause> start crawling.”

Mummy could go on. But bullies are everywhere, this isn’t news.

At the next big team meeting, Mummy humbly volunteered to write the minutes. When they were winding up Any Other Business (AOB), Mummy raised (among others) the issue of picking up seniors’ client calls. Was she supposed to pick up the seniors’ client calls on the third ring, or was she not supposed to be fielding their client queries please? Because she would like to record the instructions she is given – if she is screwing up she would definitely expect to be yelled at same as everyone else, but otherwise she should probably not. Be yelled at, she means. With all due respect, of course.

It was like Mummy had pushed a flaming rag into a bottle of kerosene:

“How dare you question when you deserve to be yelled at”

“How ungrateful can you be, when seniors are trying to teach you” (Mummy politely inquired what the lesson was supposed to have been. Strangely, she received no answer.)

“I HATE the way you dress.” (No, Mummy is not kidding. And for the record, like most star-struck eager beavers, Mummy often wore suits back then).

Mummy minuted everything. She had after all volunteered – it was her responsibility to do so.

Mummy’s poor direct boss looked like he had a splitting headache after the ~90 minute meeting. He was of course aware of the bullying, but some of the bullies were his top performers – they not infrequently yelled at him too. Mummy was a little nobody who had yet to prove herself. But then the seniors weren’t exactly giving her the chance to do so (of course they weren’t – if Mummy got the chance and her value went up, she might yell back).

When Mummy was asked to hold off on circulating her minutes, she respectfully complied. But when her direct boss still allowed the bullying, she printed a copy for the other boss responsible for her hire – her boss’ boss. The bullying stopped, but not without cost.

Punishment:

Mummy’s direct boss suggested she was ready to cover a much more senior person going on vacation. It would be her first time ever quoting live option-embedded products – 5-8 different currency pairs – to all the bank’s retail branches in that region (and there were quite a few). She was given just about 2 hours to learn the pricers before she went live.

That first day, the foreign exchange market was crazy volatile. Options knocked out repeatedly and had to be repriced quickly before someone came back and hit the old (no longer good) prices. Mummy had a senior with her, pricing for the private banks (ie larger sizes) but with the market movement Mummy’s mentor was so busy she could barely glance in her direction.

The market is only open for that many hours a day. This means that regardless how many freaking trades you have to price and execute – you only have that many hours to cram everything in and make budget. Sometimes it feels like blood is going to start pouring out of your nose and ears.

People usually don’t want to do anything, or they all want to do many, many different trades at the same time when they think it’s a good time. Flow usually smells opportunity when the market is moving. And people get really upset if you are slow.

A bank makes very little profit out of each flow trade (they count on many, many “very little profits” to make budget). Which means you have very little margin for error before you start losing the bank’s money if you make a mistake.

Someone brought Mummy lunch that day (while she priced her eyes out) but she ate maybe 3 spoonfuls. There were too many pricing requests – she had only one mouth to either chew food or field branch calls. A dealer board has 2 handsets, which means you can take 2 calls at once, but even then the calls were overwhelming.

The same seniors who had bullied Mummy helpfully picked up still more branch calls and yelled across the dealing room for Mummy to field, when both her handsets were tied up.

Mummy’s direct boss walked over with a scribbled pricing request, standing behind her wordlessly as he timed how long it took her to price it up. Satisfied, he called off the dogs – cut out the heckling.

After clearing her own (substantial) load, Mummy’s senior checked thru all her trades at the end of that first day. There were many. Then the senior went for a much-needed drink while Mummy slunk over to your father’s apartment and sobbed in his arms. It was simply pure reaction after the stress of holding it together in front of people, some detachedly curious to see if she would break, some hoping she would.

The next day was a public holiday. Mummy went in and sat at her (eerily quiet) desk. She went thru everything: for this currency pair vols, call this trader in Hong Kong for a quote. Then square it with this other desk in Hong Kong. This other currency pair vols are quoted by a Singapore trader sitting several rows away. Update this spreadsheet. Use this pricer. And so on. It was her most effective 90 minutes, thereabouts.

Then she stocked her desk with power bars and those chewy Horlicks tablets and left to enjoy the long weekend.

Mummy thinks she was expected to cave on that one. But if she swam, not sank, it would be a great way of cutting her teeth.

It was the fitting, professional wrist slap that wasn’t quite.

A Twist In The Tale:

That first day had been so volatile even the seniors were horribly swamped. Mummy’s hedging/ squaring timing was barely this side of acceptable. (Though she has always been blessed enough to stay virtually error-free despite crushing trade volume). A hedge is a double-edged sword – it cuts both ways, limiting your profit as well as loss.

When the dust settled, Mummy’s senior calculated every single trade (except for a tiny-sized one) had moved in her favor – the slow hedging had maximized her profits. She believes much of the money she made had little to do with her own abilities.

This would be one of many times when Mummy learned one can do everything right in the market and still end up with devastating consequence. (Or vice-versa. A non-Christian might call this Market Karma.) This would strengthen Mummy’s resolve to be as godly as she could – she believes to do otherwise would be to distance herself from God and she can achieve nothing without Him.  (She would later learn that many people in dealing rooms are religious for similar reasons as herself.)

Lesson Learnt:

Mummy doesn’t consider herself bullied badly, she considers herself trained well. As she likes to say, perception is everything. A person bullied badly might not have the energy to put up with more nonsense from people whose behavior is beyond their control, but a person trained well would rise to that challenge.

This experience would prepare Mummy for the crazy, breakneck speed that is the Hong Kong equity flow market.

Mummy would learn later that in the Hong Kong equity flow markets people can demand compensation in the worse cases. If the trade is executed you also have to report it very quickly because many investors don’t only have an account  only with your bank – if you didn’t manage to get the trade done at their spot limit they may want to go somewhere else. Time is money – being slow can be viewed just the same as making an actual mistake because it costs the same.

The best salespeople Mummy dealt for would ask her who her counterpart was – and they would watch the market for hedges that could possibly be attributed to their trade. If you report substantially later  (say,  3-5 minutes) than when they see what is probably their hedge, they just blink or stare at you. But generally you never get 5 minutes anyway – they’ll yell over  to your desk every 20 seconds: “Aren’t we filled yet?”

“How about now?”

Mummy can still hear them. She loves it.

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Tales From The Dark Side (Part 1)

Dear Rockstar,

Mummy used to work in what many other professions would describe a decadent environment. (Yet she thinks every profession has good as well as horrible people.) Mummy writes some of these to make the point that you are who you choose to be.

It will always be your choice, how you react to someone’s behavior and their treatment of you. Most of the time, you will not have a chance to change the other person. So then why would you allow the other person, especially if it’s someone you hate, to change who you are?

Mummy was in banking for just over 10 years. At most she might have ultimately been in the industry 20, maybe 30 years. But she will be Aileen (which you currently love calling her, shame on you) for the rest of her life. She would like to have impressive and truthful answers ready for you one day when you ask her about her working life.

Every person has a price. This ranges from the very cheap (which Mummy uses to describe people who would love to kill you at work just for the pleasure of watching you die) to people whom she respected very much with their I-don’t-need-a-handicap-like-politics-to-kick-butt-especially-yours personalities.

Avoid the former when you can – Mummy doesn’t know all the ways for identifying the cheap people around you, but one way is to look out for insecurity – insecure people will make up many of the nuts you will meet at work someday. (And an Oxbridge degree btw, does not automatically a secure person make.)

Know when they will respect you? When you get so good at what you do you can totally leave the imprint of your on-sale Ferragamo slingbacks on their bum. But don’t take the cheap shot. People can respect you without liking you – and some people will simply prefer to dislike you no matter what you do. But if you really, really want to piss them off, just know they will hate themselves for respecting you.

The first (and by no means last) office affair experience:

Mummy had been an eager beaver in her first banking job barely 2 months when she became the subject of office gossip that she was in an affair with a trader who was about to be married. The person who started the rumor was her roommate during the bank’s off-site orientation program.

Months later, ms roommate and a different trader announced at a lunch with colleagues that they were finally ready to “go public” with their relationship – they would be leaving their spouses for each other. (Several months after that, they thoughtfully provided an “update” – they were switching to an “open” relationship – they could see other people as well as each other.)

Using Mummy as a distraction until they were ready to come out hadn’t been that much of a biggie for them. They probably didn’t think it was that bad a thing to do to someone. But they just totally freaked Mummy out. (Interestingly, the  older, engaged trader  whom Mummy was linked with took virtually no flak, whereas Mummy who was single at the time and in her early 20s bore the brunt of office scorn.)

Ms roommate thought it was hilarious to use the phone on the desk directly in front of Mummy to call the man’s (devastated, by all accounts) air stewardess wife.

Although Mummy learnt something, she’s not going to pretend: SHE FREAKING HATES THEM!!! It was one thing to spread that she might be promiscuous, it was quite another to imply she had no taste.

Lesson learnt:

Even if you do everything right and keep your nose squeaky, boringly clean, people just love believing the juicy bad stuff a lot more than the good stuff. So don’t waste the energy that Mummy did back then with her agonizing – it probably wasn’t personal. It probably wasn’t about you.

On hindsight your mother looked like such a deer in the headlights when she first started out. When she (metaphorically) raised her hand for more assignments, the boss flicked her off his sleeve, “this isn’t school anymore”. 3 years, 2 jobs and a haircut that chopped her near-waist-length hair into a very short pixie later, he finally looked at her in a different light when we both happened to be at a small lunch gathering together. Mummy hopes it wasn’t just the haircut.

Mummy’s point is, work hard and smart – just because you didn’t get the chance to impress someone today doesn’t mean you won’t get the chance in 3 years, 2 jobs and a haircut.

Janet Effect:

Janet was a money market trader who sat near Mummy. Unlike many traders who are professionally grouchy, Janet was a joyful person (who was occasionally also grouchy when the markets didn’t go her way, but never for very long). More importantly, bearing in mind talk is cheap, Janet walked her talk. And she was Christian.

Back then Mummy hated Christians. She quickly dismissed many she had met to be hypocrites and no one could talk her into believing. Add to that Grandmum and Great Grandmum whom Mummy loves very, very much are both staunch Buddhist/ Taoists.

But Janet believed in everything she said and did. Even during the first bank merger Mummy experienced. And deep in Mummy’s unbelieving heart, she couldn’t ignore that Janet believed. She respected Janet enough to follow her, still unbelieving, to a service in a church she particularly hated. It was extremely humbling for Mummy to accept God in that particular church that night, completely out of the blue.

This is not about how Mummy came to Christ, it’s about how powerfully effective someone who walks her talk can be. Mummy was the most unlikely convert – whom Janet converted.

Lesson Learnt:

Never underestimate the effect you will have on people when you are sincere.

Janet had had a tumor when she was much younger, and was expected to eventually go blind. She didn’t. But treatment was then expected to make her infertile. Mummy recently heard Janet, whom Mummy estimates to be in her mid-40s by now, gave birth to a healthy baby girl a couple years ago and has been out of the industry spending more time with her.

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Things That Are Bad For You (And Other Random Thoughts)

Dear Rockstar,

Red meat has been known to cause cancer in lab rats.

Smoking has been known to cause cancer in lab rats.

Monosodium Glutamate (MSG) has been known to cause cancer in lab rats.

Mummy is wondering if anyone ruled out cancer being hereditary among those lab rats.

We’re currently on a surprise visit to Kampung Baru Rasah, Seremban, to cheer Kong-kong up. He has been ordered to give up some Good Things In Life – his thick, local-brewed coffees, and his smokes – because he has really high blood pressure.

Poor Kong-kong probably never imagined that as he approached 60, he would have to overhaul his way of life just because a “young and inconsiderate” doctor had the nerve to inform Poh-poh about his test results. A grievous insult indeed. He has been yelling at his dogs a lot when they bark.

It seems such a no-brainer – your perception and attitude play such an important role in your enjoyment of life. Cultivate a love of things that are wholesome and good for you, and you never have to give up the good life. Right. And then what are you going to do with all your friends?

Back in Kong-kong’s day, who could have imagined coffee was bad? And all his friends smoke. What is he supposed to do now, not hang out? Even if (perish the thought!) he dumps his smokes, he’s constantly surrounded by second-hand smoke.

So, you are Daddy’s Secret Weapon to distract Kong-kong. (Though yesterday at the village toy store we caught him smoking outside while you shopped.)

In contrast, Grandpop beat the offending “young” doctors to crazily reorganizing his life years ago, probably in part because he is mildly obsessive compulsive (which is probably where Mummy got it – and she’s still watching you to figure if she has passed it to you too.) Grandpop works out at 6am most mornings, having turned part of Mummy’s old room into his personal gym after she moved out before her 18th birthday. Pek Kong remarked sometimes it just feels like you live longer…

Anyway. Mummy was simply challenging herself to write something that could possibly tie all 3 older men, from such different worlds, together. Kong-kong’s history your father would have told you (he worked a variety of interesting jobs including Entrepreneur, Construction Worker, Local Cinema Canteen Operator).

So Mummy will supplement this with the mention that Grandpop’s fitness regime is a carryover from his days as an agricultural consultant who retired in his early 40s. Grandpop had to be fighting fit to trek for days thru primary forest to reach the plantations and soils he was consulted on.

Pek-kong, Grandpop’s older brother, is a (now semi-retired) heart surgeon who once ranked top 10 in the world on some scale Mummy doesn’t know enough to write about. He operated on an uncle named Chow Yuen Fatt, whom Great Grandmum greatly admires (Mummy has spent years searching for Man In The Net on dvd for her in vain) and an Indonesian Sultan who later adopted him as a brother.

You however remember Pek-kong better as the uncle who took you to Toys R Us in Paragon, Singapore and asked you to pick out something. He was rather pleased you did, because there have been times when you didn’t see anything you wanted, regardless there is someone trying very hard to buy you a gift. This continues to confound your grandparents. You politely returned a prize you won at the village fair last night, explaining it was “for babies”.

Something you will probably be more impressed with one day – Grandpop once carried a gun. Mummy has childhood memories of watching him clean the pieces on the bed. It is because we lived near some very unsafe estates due to the nature of his job. Til today, Mummy remembers not to walk with her back to oncoming traffic (someone can grab your bag, or worse, stop the car and pull you in).

Grandpop has been chased by modern day pirates (well, as modern as you can imagine in the late 70s/ early 80s) on the open seas between plantation islands, where he has also seen one of his best friends disappear, to be found tied to a tree slashed up, days later. This was when he started smoking again.

Once when Mummy was about 9, a man walked into Mummy’s school and bear-hugged her while she was playing among her friends. He claimed he was Grandpop’s friend and had come to take her home.

When he wouldn’t let her go, hugging tighter the more she struggled, Mummy stopped struggling and announced she had forgotten her schoolbag. He reluctantly let Mummy go fetch it, and she never came back. She remembers hiding in a classroom, watching the man walk by, when a classmate popped in and mentioned the man had asked her for Mummy’s name. Mummy never saw him again after that day. But she still remembers his aviators and light colored long-sleeved shirt. Also, the smell of his cologne.

Mummy also remembers the drives to Sepilok, the nature reserve in Sandakan, Sabah, where Grandpop was stationed for a decade (and Mummy spent 8 years of her childhood there, before moving to Penang with Grandmum). One day we drove up to see a baby elephant casually chewing on the plants outside the entrance where he was loosely tethered. When asked, we got the response “Oh, we shot the mum, who was destroying our crops. Then we found the baby, and felt bad. So here he is.”

Grandmum and Mummy lived together in a little house for a few years before reuniting with Grandpop. Grandmum spent hours driving around by herself, reacquainting herself with her hometown, when we first moved to Penang. She also gave free English tuition in a tough neighborhood after her regular hours as a secondary school teacher, and read books at the St Nicholas Home For The Blind.

Our way of dealing is the same, that way – when stressed or unhappy, we try to do something nice, albeit unrelated. That way we don’t feel so helpless. In the face of a bad experience, even if we don’t know how to fix it, we know we’re doing something, anything good. And yes, we pray.

Sometimes, Mummy strove to achieve because when she did, people were happy, at least for awhile.

Mummy hardly plays the piano now, because you love interrupting (even when you were still in her tummy), but Mummy once earned a Grade 8 and went for competitions and concerts. This is less important to her than the fact she practiced the absolute minimum hours on a broken down third hand piano bought so she could continue lessons while she and Grandmum lived alone.

Some of the keys didn’t work, but Mummy imagined what they sounded like in her piece anyway. The only reason she mentions this is because there were other kids around Mummy with beautiful, exquisite-sounding pianos who once made her feel like theirs was better.

They did not finish their Grade 8. So theirs were probably not better. In fact, Mummy thinks it wasn’t very good for them to think so either.

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Mummy’s Got Talent?

It’s official. After a decade of striving for credibility in the banking industry – dressing to seem older (and boring-er), speaking and writing only of topics designed to make people think I’m smart – I get to bimbo-fy myself for a Talent100 audition.

Oh, and I also get to make up words. This is a cool pastime.


Beyond these doors and aged security guard, fame and fortune await?

You’ve met them too, I’m almost sure – the young, attractive girls who stop you in MTR stations and slip you a talent agency card, getting your phone number or email address in the process.

The first time I got the card, I was miss eager beaver fresh grad in a very bad job market, exiting an interview I had n-ot done very well in, my hair (pre-very short pixie days) twisted severely into a bun, wearing glasses and my only work suit in what I thought was a very serious and capable dark grey.

I was dismayed. There I was, striving earnestly to be taken seriously, and not just had I flubbed the interview, I had been approached by a talent agency right when I was dressed in my Professional Finest. Wasn’t I oozing Brilliant Banker? Channelling Don’t-Mess-With-Me-Professional?

Oh, the insult. That wasn’t the only time I got uh, carded, but my reaction each time was more mortified than flattered. I was so desperate to be taken seriously in my chosen field in banking – derivatives.

Fast forward to today when I am no spring chicken yet have suddenly had the brainwave to add Person Standing In Back Of Some TVB Soap (or even Person On Cutting Room Floor) to my list of Life Experiences. For, what is living in Hong Kong, without the “Care-Lair-Fare” (movie/ tv extra) audition experience? Especially when I finally care not a wit about credibility. (Also, Kings put me up to it because he is completely in awe of Hong Kong entertainment. Sigh. Whatever turns you on, baby.)

Inside the talent agency – movie star posters and awards line the walls

So here goes:

Get call back from talent agency. Agree to come in for go-see.

(This is for freelancing – an assistant calls each time to ask if you agree to try for ________ part. Agent sends a bunch of freelancers’ pics to their clients. If yours is chosen, agent takes 20-30% of what you make.)

Fill in form. Ignore where it says “chest/ waist/ hip measurement __________”

Mention I don’t want to do swimsuit stuff. Get very long explanation about how they don’t do anything racy.

Interview. Agent outlines 3 rules:

Don’t back out once they get you something – please do all backing out before you actually get a gig (ie when the assistant calls to ask if you’re interested in each assignment). Don’t expect to get famous (strangely the office walls and corridors are filled with movie star posters so we think she means don’t be a prima donna) Don’t expect to get rich from doing this (ie have your own day job/ backup plan)

Get filmed impromptu for 60 seconds. They absolutely don’t let you have a second shot. And you have to try your darnedest to speak in Cantonese (my biggest foil – I’m hoping charm and wit (in english) will make up for the actual er, speaking (oh, was I supposed to do it in Cantonese?)).

Also, they remind me repeatedly not to mention my age when they film me, to allow them more “marketability.” I’M FREAKING ALMOST 34!!! SO WHAT??? Don’t they need auntie extras?

After filming, they say “Umm, we’ll try you for more non-speaking roles.”

I am Hong Kong Starlet Wannabe. Hear me roar. Gr.

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The HKD 11,000 Ticket to Somewhere In Java

Our helper wants to fly back to a tiny town Somewhere in Java, Indonesia, for her daughter’s birthday. Melanie will turn 5 on Aug 12th. Her mother wanted to be back so badly she said she would pay her own way, just so she could set the dates.

Cost of her ticket? HKD 11,000.

No, it’s not Hong Kong – by any standards that’s expensive – it’s more than our vaccie tickets to Melbourne. And she didn’t say a word, Kings happened to see the cost of her ticket when he unexpectedly asked her for it to cross-check against the dates we’ll be going on vacation.

“You’ve been paying her too much” says everyone we told this to. (Because we pay her double if she decides to stay in and work on a Hong Kong holiday– but other than that she gets normal HK helper wages). “You’re spoiling her.”

How come no one said “Wow, she must badly want to be back for her daughter’s BD”? Am I just too stupid to live that I truly believe she really wants to be with her daughter? But I do. And no, I’m not a psychic octopus – I was rooting for Germany, this World Cup.

Suddenly I see all those recent stupid mistakes she’s been making in her work differently. Stuff like way too much salt in the veggies, rendering them inedible. Then feeding it to Rockstar because she hadn’t tasted it. (Noticed Rockstar drained an entire mug of water in one sitting. Went nuts. Nearly fired her on the spot.)

Stop it, Aileen. Hong Kong is the Wild Wild West of Helperland. This is exactly how you ended up getting taken for a ride by your previous helper. It’s so bad here you know quite a few people who refuse to hire a helper who has worked in Hong Kong. The  Sunday maid congregations all over Central are lethal – they learn to use and abuse the maid laws very quickly. They know the law better than their employers – that means you.

You’ve lapped up Dying Relative stories. Previous Employer Abuse tales. “We are people too” propaganda. To the tune of extra tickets home, extra vacation time. You are the pariah of some upper-echelon Mummy circles because you often close one eye to helper back-talk and didn’t stop her from using the swimming pool (in your defense you didn’t find out that was a faux pas til last Monday because you used to work your bum off.)

All those things that have happened to your friends.

Your girlfriend’s helper went to the police and claimed she (your girlfriend) stole from her (the helper) after she was fired for stealing out of your girlfriend’s wallet.

Your other girlfriend’s helper keeps a clear folder on her previous employer’s compensation packages that were slightly short of the regulatory standard, rather than actually tell them they might have erroneously under-paid, because she wants to file a civil complaint “for all those times my employer was rude to me.” (Yes, your other girlfriend was probably shown the folder as a threat.)

What is the matter with you?

Erm, at least I didn’t lend a helper HKD 50,000 over the course of 5 years like our family doctor did?

Erm, that’s who I stubbornly insist on being? Because I don’t want to be changed for the worse by bad experiences. Heck, I just always hated skeptics.

I struggle to achieve some kind of middle ground in between Babe in the Woods and Resident of SkeptiCity even though I kinda live right here. But I’m not unbiased – every time I meet a skeptic, I gravitate towards Idealist territory. Yes, Hamlet,  I remember Mrs Sng in Lit class said the sweeter the idealist, the bitterer the cynic upon disillusionment.

So I try not to do it too often. But come on, I agreed to spend my life with someone who was heavily in study loan debt, would be putting his 2 siblings thru school and well, had odds greatly stacked against him coming even thus far. And I was happy with how that all turned out in the end. So. I hate skeptics.

Anyway. We were looking for a replacement because of all the dumbb mistakes.

But. 11-freaking-thousand Hongkie dollars just to go home for her daughter’s birthday for 2 weeks. She must want to go home bad. Bad enough to completely relieve her of her wits?

Even as all around me if I listen hard enough I can hear the ghosts of tai-tais past screaming “NNNnnnnoooooo……..oooo…..!”I can feel myself giving her the benefit of doubt.

Out of gratitude for the blessing of getting to be with Rockstar every single day.

And after her trip if she’s still making the dumbb mistakes then I’ll look for a replacement.. Oh, maybe she’ll decide not to come back (happened to yet another girlfriend). That’s actually fine too.

Oh, hell. Loan sharks are gonna be knocking on our doors now, aren’t they?

Rockstar, meet Tai-Yee-Long. Tai-Yee-Long, meet Rockstar.

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Like a Virgin

Dear Rockstar,

Recent conversation your parents had about sex:

“Are you bored yet?”

“No…. You?”

“No…… For future reference then…

My colleagues told me there’s a swingers’ club in Hong Kong.”

“Oh. Do we have to commit, or can we just go for a drink and a look-see?”

“I heard they’re really exclusive. Quality control.”

“Oh…  So do people expect you to actually swing?”

“I was thinking I can’t get in. Too fat.”

“Oh.”

Because Mummy wrote about cheating and topless girls in Til Death Do Us Part. We Hope. (Part 1), Mummy thought it significant to also mention she saved A Big Thing til after she was married before God. (Elvis was kind of a bonus.)

Shock! Horror! Your mother believes in Saving Something For Marriage.

(Something. Not Everything. Mummy is not unreasonable.)

Mummy was an advocate of abstinence (and also contraception but how she feels about Bristol Palin is another story) long before she became Christian. Your father is the 10th guy she dated but no one, regardless of race or religion, ever made her do anything she wasn’t comfortable with, bless them.

Mummy believes in waiting for marriage because she wanted to be sure whoever she spent the rest of her life with would be the Best She Ever Had.

At risk of sending you into therapy some day, Mummy has to point out that unlike the recent rise and affirmation of the asexual, it’s not that she doesn’t like sex. She didn’t want to risk Mr-Total-Jerk-But-Good-In-Bed killing her experience with Mr-Worth-Having-His-Babies. There’s a practical reason the Bible tells us no sex before marriage.

Forever and ever being turned on by one person is a tall order by any standards.

No, it wasn’t easy. Mummy and her close-girlfriends-from-back-then all vowed to do it, but Mummy was Last Virgin Standing. By a long shot. And the prospect of being a virgin in your 30s kinda sucked, even in Mummy’s day.

Despite She of the Pointy Bra’s best efforts.

It didn’t help that, between boyfriends, Mummy allowed herself to be picked up by Mr Creepy in City Hall MRT, Singapore, and over drinks at nearby Raffles Hotel was subjected to:

“What sign are you?”

“Excuse me?”

“Come on, what sign are you?”

“Virgo.”

“Virgo, the virgin, I sure hope you’re not.”

Oh, yuck.

So, bearing in mind “something” and “marriage” (committed relationship?) distinctions probably have more and more wiggle room nowadays, save Something for Marriage.

Your parents’ Pastor Brett is a pretty cool guy. He even speaks better Chinese than Mummy does. When he says guys aren’t allowed pornography, he also reminds wives to fulfill their husbands’ needs. When he says husbands shouldn’t have roving eyes, he also says wives have to not give them reasons to rove.

After marriage wives should continue to dress for their husbands, not other women (ever see those fashions that women applaud but men can’t understand?) It’s why Mummy grew out her extremely short pixie cut. Your father wanted long hair on Mummy for Christmas.

The sacrifices. Sigh.

But keep playing that funky music, White Boy 😛

PS: Since your father waited for Mummy, it’s only fair she now makes his wait worthwhile. And if you couldn’t read this without flinching, then just remember it makes the prospect of you having to adjust to a new Mummy and Daddy that much slimmer so suck it up.

Mummy wrote this to let you know it can be done. (And it was rewarding). And Mummy will try her darnedest not to be a hypocrite in your raising, is what she’s really trying to say.

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Significant Conversation #92

“Want to wear, want to wear (Disney Cars training underpants). Want to wear please.”

“Just a second, darling. Mummy’s doing something over here.”

“ I want to wear. Mummeeeee.’

“I said wait. Mummy has only 2 hands. Mummy is not an octopus.”

<very brief pause>

“Mah-meeeeeeee. Mah-mee. Aileen.”

(I hate it when my 31-month old calls me Aileen. And he knows it.)

“You don’t have to shout. Mummy is not in Kowloon. If you can’t wait then put them on yourself.”

<silence>

He did.

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