(Some) things I learnt at the ESF Parent Volunteer Briefing

Rockstar and other rules (he’s trying to read signs at mom)

(If you can’t tell when I’m joking, don’t take this whole entry seriously. What you should take away from this is the care a school takes before letting people, albeit other parents who simply want to be more involved and experience school with their own child, near the children in their charge.)

1.Safety always comes first. If you can’t handle something, tell the staff you can’t handle it.

And – this one’s for the bankers – if the fire alarm goes off, actually follow the instructions and move it.

(A lot of the time no one moves in dealing rooms when the alarms go off except Designated Fire Drill People*)

*usually interns, people who hadn’t been around to deflect the responsibility, people who want to go down and grab a coffee or yak on their cellphone at the Safe Location, the Unusually Charitable Because They Just Got Back From Block Leave

2. No pictures or videos of anyone other than your own child.

Don’t try to film/ take pictures of your friend’s child for them without letting the staff know first. You might get rugby tackled. (Kidding – but you’ll be stopped)

(Ok, seriously – some parents have specified they don’t want pictures of their children taken and/or circulated. You would have to go thru which children’s parents are fine with it. Easiest is don’t take any.)

3. Be aware of children’s body space and physical contact issues

Love this.

I don’t have to make excuses for the fact I don’t like hugging anyone else’s child (except when social situations call for it with Close Friends and Their Very Special Children.) I hope they told the children to respect my personal space. (They did, right?)

4. Don’t talk to media.

Self explanatory. Not even the good stuff. Legal & Compliance departments in the banks trained me well. They would not see it as good stuff. They don’t see many things as good stuff. They are deeply unhappy human beings.

5. No profanity.

Note to self: No saying “crap”. No saying “crap”. No saying “crap”.

Riddle: How do Kindergarten teachers manage to go their whole workday surrounded by screaming little kids without the sweet release of even a teeny tiny soft-swear?

Answer: Hypnosis.

6. No smoking, no alcohol, no drugs.

Shocking.

7. Don’t harass or abuse anyone.

What’s wrong with these people??

8. Stay in the waiting area until it’s actually time to go volunteer.

Because more serious “learning time” is going on just before that.
Gotcha. Bet you thought that was me being too smart again. Wrongo.

9. Volunteer time is not parent-teacher conference time.

Do not start engaging your child’s teacher in a heart-to-heart about the quality of your child’s artwork. Apparently there are other children besides your rockstar who – get this – deserve equal attention. This is what’s wrong with the world today.

(Note to self: don’t make eye contact with anyone you know is a teacher. Just in case.)

There’s also a quick reminder that volunteers are not to go looking in other children’s portfolios. I’m sure this is just something they had to mention because there were stories about parents from <uppity sniff> other schools who want to see how their kids’ work measures up to others. No parent like that attends my son’s school. I know. I’m a parent at the school.

10. Don’t enter the children’s toilets without telling a staff member. Don’t be alone with any child other than your own anywhere on the premises without another staff member or grownup around. If your child decides they want your company when they go to the toilet, you still have to tell a staff member, in case another child enters the toilet while you’re in there with your child.

This was an education. It’s something I would never have thought twice about if not pointed out to me.

It’s a tough tradeoff – on one hand, you want to be able to let parents who are keen on spending time with their child during the school experience contribute. On the other hand, you have to protect everyone’s children.

I like that there are rules laid out. The only way I’m going to be sure no one else is doing nonsense around my child is if I’m not allowed to be an idiot near anyone else’s child.

Besides, the alternative is doing a nutty and then everyone gets their volunteer privileges revoked – no chance to experience your child’s first school experiences together, no opportunities to strike up more conversations about school days, “Yeah I saw that too, he was totally throwing that sand, so he wasn’t allowed back in the sand pit for the day – if you can’t be trusted to play there responsibly, you won’t be allowed to play there at all” <feel so good about getting that one in> – because the school is afraid of fruitcakes.