The Thing About Friends

Awhile ago, it was Rockstar’s favorite friend’s birthday. (Btw I have no say in how he picks ’em – that I can tell they are always boys with a car obsession – for awhile he near worshipped a little Spanish boy who could describe how car engines work when they burn petrol – pistons, spark plugs and all.)

Rockstar’s current favorites (having rejected for lofty title of Potential Best Friend someone with a predilection for Ninjago) are a boy who always comes to (Cantonese) music class in Lightning Mcqueen clothing (Rockstar approves!) and a schoolmate who apparently will drone on with him about the finer points of Disney Cars characters.

Maybe even the Probable Life Story Of The Space Angry Birds.

(As in, tied in with real facts – how in reality nothing could survive going through a black hole (made me google the Youtube documentaries, he has started learning about fact vs fiction in school. Though I’m not sure they had Angry Birds in mind :D) Nonetheless he only gets Angry Bird iPad games on his grandparents’ devices, his parents having “discovered” numerous glitches in downloading the game onto our own iPads… Rockstar does spend time on all the “hands-on” versions at home though…

YES I am recommending Angry Bird (“hands-on”). When Rockstar started some months back, he could barely stack two of those lightweight pieces of plastic. Now he can do this:

(He made me take a few pics with the instruction card. I would prefer to point out he is using my Sam Pickard tray from Lane Crawford Home. My trays are now velcro-ed to the walls because they occasionally serve as Angry Birds or Lego Holders.)

(Yes he really built that one himself. Obviously it took some time. A mum in Cantonese music class asked how his motor skills got that good “besides Lego,” because Lego is kind of the default, and then we want to say Angry Bird but people think we’re being funny…)

Anyway. Over catch-up text messages with Rockstar’s Friend’s Mum (who works part time AND has two other kids hence deterring playdates since yours truly also has Ms Rockstar), I happen to learn it will be the other boy’s birthday in (then) 36 hours. Rockstar gets very excited (have to say I’m mildly pleased he doesn’t even ask if there’s a party, and I carefully leave out that the reason I know his friend’s birthday is coming up is because Other Mum mentioned stopping by school with cake, among other errands; birthday cake is the only kind Rockstar loves.) The boys are not classmates, and Rockstar recently sheepishly mentioned he used to get himself in trouble repeatedly attempting to sneak over to his friend’s class:

Me: <aghast> Don’t tell me you tried that during lessons. You couldn’t find anyone in your own class to talk to?

Rockstar: <seriously, as usual> I was sitting there and (something interesting happened) and I really wanted to tell him.

Me: So you tried to go tell him right away?? How can you do that?!

Rockstar: I wait til everyone is busy and then try to get to the door.

Me: No, I mean – Never mind. Please tell me you don’t do that anymore.

Rockstar: Hee hee no. 

Me: And how many times did you try that, may I ask?

Rockstar: Like, five.

Me: You tried to sneak out “like, five” times??!! No wonder people “got annoyed!” I’m surprised I didn’t end up getting a note about that!!

Rockstar: Well sometimes I was just thinking it… 

So anyway it’s the day before De Day, Rockstar’s in school and I agree to let him pick – what else? a little Disney Cars gift for his friend after school (another thing I like about him, for all the Godfather-like memory for Who’s Done What Misdemeanor – he can go shopping for friends without wanting anything himself, and has been known to turn down offers if he doesn’t see anything he likes in the store – I once had to ask him to “just pick something you like a little,” when my uncle really wanted to get him something). However I then decide on a Disney Cars Character Encyclopedia (also a McQueen diecast car in the cover, that comes with) which has been my go-to gift to rave reviews. Only problem is the only place I know that has it is a bookstore in Elements, Kowloon.

So Ms Rockstar gets extra splash time in her blowup paddling pool which I always hope gets her down for a longer nap, and then I hop a cab. It’s ~HKD 150 cab fare each way (but with the nearby tunnel, just 12 minutes away if my helper calls me back because she’s awake). Friend’s Mum is delighted, and tells me/ Rockstar to expect Friend passing Rockstar some cake in class.

I’m thrilled. But…… I refrain from telling Rockstar. Just in case. Friend has 29 classmates to serve cake to. I think it’s a big ask to expect him to then go find Rockstar who is not in the same class, with cake. My son then misses Cake He Is Expecting From Favorite Friend In Whole World, he will be devastated.

Still, the whole day waiting for Rockstar to come home I’m awaiting a Mum! I Got Cake From My Friend! triumphant announcement in our doorway. I’m sorely disappointed to find a subdued Rockstar standing there. He describes gleefully anticipating handing his friend the paper bag with the book in it when he got to school, but then ends up watching through the window quietly as Friend and classmates open the bag in their own class to examine the “cool book with car in cover,” as he stood forgotten, outside the closed door. (Closed, I think he said, by one of Friend’s classmates). It hurts.

Thank God I Didn’t Tell Him About The Cake! On cue, my phone buzzes with a very apologetic message about missing Rockstar re cake. (Friend’s Mum has discovered it after school still in schoolbag.)

When Rockstar leaves for Putonghua class, I strap fussing baby into harness and start rummaging around the apartment for a bag, which I fill with candy and a stray paper fun mask. (Rockstar doesn’t have much of a sweet tooth, only really going for candy or cake that are gifts – as a result, he hasn’t paid enough attention to my leftover Halloween candy for trick-or-treaters to discover my subterfuge.)

At some point I realize she's fallen asleep in harness during my rummaging

When Rockstar comes home, I’m waiting (sleeping baby still attached) with the bag, and tell him his friend’s mum dropped it off (plausible, they live very close by), as they hadn’t had a chance to properly thank him for the book he so thoughtfully delivered. Decide never to mention the cake. I have nothing that can make up for the “loss” of Favorite Friend Delivering Cake.

Ps: If you noticed a mild obsession with Rockstar finding happiness in a few solid friendships in school, you would be correct. I worry occasionally he has more than enough of both Kings and my “nerd genes,” and while Mr Gates did exceedingly well as King Nerd, Kings had his school bag chucked in a lake, back in the day.   

Still, Rockstar’s friendships challenges are nothing, compared to what I will feel over Ms Rockstar’s friendships when she comes of school-going/bullying age. (Our family doctor just came out of a massive re-engineering to get his 8 year old back in her old school despite it now being way across the tunnel from their new home. She had been crying every night for two months.) 

Me, I was a little older. I had already requested a seat change in class, which hadn’t helped. My mother later described how, when our parents were in the room, the ring-leader had said to the principal, “I’m the one you intended for disciplinary action because I’m the one of a different race.”  

And that was before the age of Facebook. Twitter. Youtube. Cellphones.

In different streams and with the number of after school activities I had, I’d almost lost contact with A, who had been my best friend when we were in our lower teens. But when I exited the principal’s office that day, she was sitting outside waiting for me. She did the same at break times, or in between classes, whenever she could.

And suddenly, it was alright. 

Thing is, that was 2 decades ago. And yet that’s what I remember.