About 15 years ago, my (then) gay best friend announced he wanted a baby. He’d just started dating someone, and in all the fervor of a dizzy not-quite-schoolgirl in love, he was ruminating overhis Options. Somewhere between a conversation about his new long hairdo and how “Dom” was the manlier one in their relationship, it came out in an excited rush: While we were both still in college and not quite ready to be parents yet, he knew, really knew, he wanted a baby. Someday,maybe,wouldIcarrythebaby?
All I could manage back then was a feeble, stutter-y “I don’t know.” There would be so many things to work out. The bit I didn’t tell him was I couldn’t imagine my boyfriend agreeing. And how did I know “Dom” would make a great third parent? He was so completely nutso about “Dom” it didn’t sound like he had his head on straight.
Jeff didn’t return any more of my calls. I used to leave these “Hey Jeff, it’s me – when are you free to bitch about men again?” messages on his voicemail. That always got him excited enough to ring me right back. He had the whole hair-flip, eye-roll “Ohh men!” thing down perfectly that I miss still. Even now I’m Christian. (I don’t believe we get to decide who’s worse than whom.)
To this day I don’t know if it was because I hadn’t done a total flippant “YYEESSS! Lemme freeze some eggs today! We’re all going to be parents somedayyyyyyyy!!” But I don’t think so. He’d probably just wanted me to be totally dizzy not-quite-schoolgirl with him. With maybe 10% seriousness in it. Ok, it had seemed more like 45%. Maybe he had let the friendship die because I was simply no “funn” anymore. Butlet’s give Jeff a little more credit, more likely it was a friendship he outgrew.I was already his last straight friend standing.
Truth is I’ve never taken having a baby lightly, not even back then.I just figured I wouldn’t have them unless something changed (it did). You don’t do it to save a marriage. You don’t do it because of social pressure.This is a Whole Other Person. Mess Whole Other Person up with your irresponsible child-having and this person grows to be someone who can mess a whole bunch of other people up. Heck, even if you do everything right, this person could still mess other people up.
But how many of us can seriously admit there isn’t a teeny tiny bit social pressure somewhere in our relationships and parenting? It’s why when another kid takes toys from our kid we might sometimes smile and be “gracious.” Call me over-the-top, but it’s a compromise I try my darnedest not to make – simply because I don’t want to let my own kid down. He takes things, I tut-tut him. Some other kid takes things I don’t let it happen either (assertive doesn’t have to be mean.)
It’s why I give gay couples a lot more respect – straight couples sometimes stay together too long because of familial / social pressure. Gay couples are together in spite of it. (“Dom” however is a different kettle of fish – I have no idea if they’re still together – it was early days back then. And after all, even gay men can be jerks.)
Anyway. This came up after I read an article in the August issue of US Marie Claire (1 girl, 2 Guys, and a Baby). A mum who had had bad straight relationships and was successful, but single and no longer young. Her gay best friend of over twenty years and his partner. The little baby girl had her egg, her best friend’s sperm, his partner’s last name. Lots and lots of discussions and legal custody arrangements drawn up before deciding to do it. Even in the Land of the Free this can’t have been an easy one to swing. On the other hand, how many marriages or adoptions that obey the letter but not the spirit of the law are upheld in courts?
I had a roommate in junior college who testified of abuse at custody hearings and still got repeatedly sent back to her mum because apparently she wasn’t as convincing as her mum. She finally ran away from home. Her paternal grandparents (her preferred custodians) lent her the money to pay for a room at a student hostel (which is how she ended up my room mate) so she could finish sitting for her ‘A’ levels in peace before going thru the whole custody battle thing yet again. (It was never resolved the way she hoped – it simply stretched on until she had grown into a legal adult and didn’t need a custodian anymore.)
There should be a Law of Nature that applies above all others – the one that says parents must love and raise their child responsibly – and that includes not inflicting undue emotional stress on them from family fights, pressure to do exceptionally well in school, politicking within the family, the list goes on. Fine, providing for them should be in there too.
At some point while reading the Marie Claire article I had forgotten it was about a single mum and gay couple, and seen three dedicated, responsible parents. And without thinking of any of the baggage attached, I simply missed Jeff.
If you’re reading Jeff, this one’s for the friendship we once had. It was an honor to be asked if I would carry the child, when you could have asked any of your gay female friends. Even if I don’t think I could’ve pulled it off…
