Me: Quick, get off your scooters. I see one of the mall guards coming.
Rockstar: Its fine mum, he’s just playing Pokemon Go. (Guard walks by on his phone) …See?
One day in the park…
Queen E: Mummy, I have good news. Gemma (her hamster) is not dead.
Me: That’s good to know.
Queen E: But I have actually something very very important to tell you. There are monsters in Gemma’s cage.
Rockstar: Oh really. And what did these monsters do?
Queen E: They left the cage door open.
Me and Rockstar: !!!!!!!!!
Queen E: She’s probably still there, don’t worry.
Rockstar: <scolding> What if she gets lost? THEN what are you going to do… Hah? Hah?
Me: If she’s not there when we get home and she dies in the apartment we’re going to have to move. I’m not staying in a home with a decaying animal somewhere in our (built-in) furniture – and one that I used to know.
Queen E: <patiently> She’s not going anywhere, hamsters sleep in the day, you see.
Rockstar: Like we didn’t know that. How do you think she ended up in the SPCA, if she ends up back there they’re never going to let us get anything else.
(I’m like OMG what did he just say? What else are they going to adopt, a llama?)
Rockstar: …It’ll be all your fault. No more pets for you.
Queen E: <patiently> She’ll still be there, Ko-ko.
Rockstar: HOW can you be so sure??
Queen E: <patiently> Because I forget to put her back all the time.
In the lift with random neighbour…
Queen E: Hi.
Neighbour: You have a border collie, right? I’ve seen you walking your dog.
Queen E: I also have a hamster. Have you seen her?
Neighbour: No, what’s she like?
Queen E: Her name’s Gemma. And I can tell you a lot about hamsters.
Neighbour: Oh really, like what?
Queen E: If you squeeze them their eyes bug out.
(Neighbour exits the lift still laughing)
Me: That’s not really true is it, why did you tell him that?
Queen E: <calmly> Oh yeah, sometimes even when you don’t squeeze them their eyes bug out.
(I really need to sedate these children… or myself…)