Appointment with Pain

In every mum’s life I believe will come a time when your back hurts from toting about your growing child. Even if you have a relatively strong lower back from a childhood of taekwondo and have never seen the inside of a chiropractor’s.

After being very promptly sent to the nearby Central Medical Diagnostics unit for x-rays, I’m told I might have a nerve problem I never knew I had, that could’ve been around since birth (apparently forceps deliveries back in the day can do this to you) – and it only flared up now I tote the Rockstar about.

As in, not when I did 20 knuckle push-ups once upon a long long time ago, it takes Rockstar-lugging to set it off – which I think is because push-ups are nothing compared to toddler back-arching and regular squirming. The latter is unexpected, abrupt, uneven stress placed on your back.

Anyway my chiropractor reaches this conclusion from x-rays that show up nothing and a markedly increased mobility when he sticks some kind of microchip to stimulate the nerves in my neck. He tried to explain it, I hung in there as long as I could, after awhile I don’t remember much beyond that it hurts when I visit his office.

So I’ve had 3, maybe 4 treatments and that set of x-rays. “Just maybe 20 minutes,” I’m told. Bet the real reason they say it casually is because it bloody hurts – who’d want more pain if they could help it?

Someone sticks his rubber-gloved fist in your mouth to move the nerves in your jaw about. It’s possible after the session you think they’ve fixed your back because by the time they’re done with the nerves in your mouth, your back pain ain’t that bad.

Then there’s the nerves in your shoulder, accessible via your armpit, that mother nature put there so you would feel pain when someone tweaks them.

Then there are the various percussion instruments. Not too bad. Uncomfortable, but you feel this is something you won’t die from. Possibly.

My favorite are the various microchips he attaches to your nerves to stimulate them as he turns your head from side to side to check “your” alignment. Pointing your toes in and out, turning your forearm this way and that, you suddenly feel so good at what you do (toe pointing).

Oh, but the one that really takes the biscuit is when doc says “Ok, this will hurt.”

“What, I have to tell you first lah, after you think what is this guy doinggg.”

“Oh, and this will hurt more.”

Uh, thanks.

Now I know why they require medical professionals to prominently display their qualifications in their clinics. Tell the patient you’re qualified first, before causing them pain? Diabolical.

“Oh, doesn’t hurt more meh?”

But seriously, no complaints. It’s just funny haha – when you can laugh again.

I skipped my appointment today. To pig out on Shangri-La hi tea with an old BBC girlfriend I haven’t seen in 8 years. We met at work in Singapore, I was SO tickled by how much heavier her British accent is now she’s gone back to the UK for about 7 years… And will be even more tickled when I finally get to meet her 5-and-a-half-year-old whom she assures me sounds the same! “I don’t speak Chinese, mum.” Heeeee

Now if I can just find another girlfriend I haven’t seen in 8 years so I can miss tomorrow’s appointment too…