Guiding Children’s Behavior – Seminar by Dr Louise Porter at Kennedy School (Part I)

Do people behave because of consequences, or because of needs?

During the course, Dr Porter would pause periodically for the packed school hall of parents to absorb. It’s because of the “new-ness” of some of the ideas. They make perfect sense sure, but wow when you remember your own childhoods and the “best wisdoms” you have learnt of yore (and possibly formed core instincts around), it’s really hard. I was seated next to and (occasionally briefly partnered with) a local Hong Kong mum and our first impression halfway through was how hard this is, how much work it would take, to shift our equilibriums (and then as she exited I saw her buy the book, like I did :D)

These are my notes… It’s a long time in coming (because every time I read what I wrote I felt I wasn’t doing a good job (so, buy the book or visit the site and see for yourselves – Dr Porter mentioned in the seminar all her seminar notes are up there as well and she has also partnered someone who organizes classes in implementation of this); and please email me if you have a better way of saying it, there’ve already been some emails exchanged and when I’m not doing the funny stuff this blog is still a place to learn together because parenting’s just… hard. 

1. Acknowledgement, not praise.

It’s a fine line, those words we use. One set of words acknowledges effort (and btw effort should trump achievement), the other builds dependence on the verbal equivalent of a piece of candy or toy for every little thing they do.

The words we use have to build towards an independence in the kids forming their own opinions about whether that was really their best effort or not.

On an aside, if their happiness and satisfaction is dependent on whether they win, then to my mind it is a very flawed and fragile happiness and self-worth. It’s a little painful isn’t it, if someday you have an adult who can’t tell if they’re doing well (despite every other external indication of the fact), EXCEPT if they get a pat on the head from whoever’s approval they have been wired to require? 

And so to the words. For eg, not “you’re so clever” (or for that matter “you’re so pretty”). Instead you’re supposed to say “You did it! You look pleased!” (What’s a “looks” equivalent – “Nice choice of colors”? The difference between praising something they’re born with vs acknowledging the effort they put in producing something…)

2. Kids might start cheating if the stakes are too high. 

If say, the kids tie their self-worth to achievement. (Well actually adults do that too). I shall deliberately avoid a recent high profile cheating-or-not case in Hong Kong that has made its way to court (yes, involving students and their parents) and instead dredge up donkeys’ years ago memories 😛 The stakes get perceived as higher than that already-lofty place society has assigned them when you place all the emphasis on performance, and build dependence via praise.

It’s not just cheating in exams, I’m also throwing in cheating at the requisite grunt work required to get to a certain point (though I am all for legitimate “hacks” – I’m always looking for “hacks” so Rockstar still gets free play time, without sacrificing picking up all the “basic”-ish skills he has to).

We tell Rockstar sure he can cheat on the amount of work he puts in, but he can’t get away with it because it will eventually show, in actual performance – and then it’s going to be a lot more painful playing catch-up. (Like, why bother, it’s just not worth it.) There is a chapter in another book (I think it was Life Is What You Make It by Peter Buffet, son of Warren Buffet) about the “clever” child who eventually becomes lazy because he relies on being “clever” rather than working hard.

But really, who hasn’t seen this:

Hard work trumps sheer ability+laziness every time. (pic from dreamstime.com)

When I was studying in Singapore and staying in a student hostel, I used to be privy to contact with a lot of ASEAN, Chinese and Indian scholars, as well as kids who’d spent primary school in Singapore’s Gifted Education Program. (In the interests of full disclosure, I was not a scholar. I did later get the 3 Cambridge A level As for Econs, English (Literature) and Maths, and had a Singapore government tuition grant for the course I took in Nanyang Technological University which bonded me to work in Singapore for 3 years, but that’s it. Not a scholar.)

So anyway staying in that hostel I met some kids who were outstanding not just as students but as people. Amazingly grounded. Certainly I don’t recall meeting any scholars/ gifted kids who weren’t smart. But some kids took just having been in the gifted or scholarship program as THE achievement.

Then there were kids used to getting their way, having done so at home, just because they delivered the grades. (“You’re going to lose friends” only matters to someone who wants friends. A former mentor once bemoaned, while also being amused at his First-Class-Honors-from-Oxford child’s email to her parents, “I have no morals. Only goals.”)

Therein makes me think parenting an exceptionally bright or talented child poses challenges of their own that can be greatly underestimated. (As I tried to remember all those high-achieving kids I met, especially the ones I greatly respected, I’ve been all Darn! WHY did I never think to ask them about their parents’ parenting?! Ah, hindsight…. :D)

3. There should be a middle ground – neither the parent NOR the child is the boss.

But as the grownup in the too often volatile equation where your child is about to have a nuclear meltdown, you have to be the one to disengage. This is not always easy.

This is the Miss, demonstrating A. Meltdown. Ahem. You can’t pick her up when she gets all wildcat unless you are so SURE you are not going to drop her when she starts kicking. She’s quite strong, btw.

What? You think only your child does this? (Or… only unknown children in Starbucks or on tv? :D) Rockstar did this too, at that age. And THEN some. That’s why he was called Rockstar on this blog to begin with. (Not because he can sing <snort>) He still laughs about it, they both do, which I guess is how I think they’ll be ok with me mentioning it. Yes, the poor education people who have to handle my children 😀 Both are strong-willed, it just manifests in fairly different ways.

AND it appears there’s going to be a part II. Because I’m already at 1000+ words, got side tracked, but I’ve sat on this for long enough <sheepish> This is going…. out.. today!

Rockstars Intermission Time:

–

“Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required…” 

I go anywhere I can, looking for inspiration to better parent them, btw – including in Learning Support 🙂