How To Feed A Baby On Your Bed (Guest post by The Little Miss Rockstar)

Dear everyone,

It is very easy to feed a 7 month old baby on your bed. Just make sure everything you offer the baby is so yummy she will not want to spit anything out. I have had some experience, so trust me on this one.

However, it is possible your baby hasn’t totally learned not to have “tongue reflex” from bottle feeding – that annoying (and rather embarrassing) little habit of pushing food out even when she doesn’t mean to. But with Yummy Food, you will find that your baby so wants to eat it she will try her very best not to spit. In fact if she does, she may work with you to stuff the towel/ feeding bib with the food on it right back in.

Conclusion (in the style of Animal Farm which Mummy claims is not really a kiddie book – like, whatever): Large Towels or Blankets That Cover Everything – Goooood. Things That Can Come Off In Small Pieces – Baaaaad. I mean, if they taste bad…

Next tip: Baby bath books are your friend. You see, babies will require something for their entertainment pleasure as they better enjoy Yummy Food, and Inane Nursery Rhyme is an insult to our intelligence. Mummies of Newborns may be forgiven this oversight because they really have not had much experience, but all other mummies please note – when your Newborn grows up into an Older Baby, you will need to consider more intellectually stimulating offerings. Personally, I would recommend PSY’s Gangnam Style – you have only to play it where there are Older Babies and see the Pavlovian reaction induced, to realize how popular it is. Too bad for the artist he only became famous when he was ancient.

(And, it’s obvious to me whoever wrote Twinkle Twinkle must not have been an Older Baby because it is the Dumbest Song Ever, and one of the reasons for the popular misconception that stars really do twinkle (they only look that way to us here on Earth because of the planet’s atmosphere – I was fortunate enough to discover this early on, after licking one of Ko Ko’s I Wonder Why books. Mummy and Daddy however were ancient, before they learned of the subterfuge). Moral of the story: Be aware nursery rhymes can serve up the Biggest Bullshit Ever. (More on that someday I get invited back here because Aileen has no time to blog when I don’t nap during the day.)

There comes a time when your mummy discovers iPhone Apps that allow you to listen to Class 95 and Power 98 right here in Hong Kong. You might have come across another Older Baby known as The Flying Dutchman who thinks he would not look pretty in a baby diaper and to that, let me just say: ALL BABIES OF DIAPER-WEARING AGE KNOW THIS – YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

What? The FD is not really an Older Baby?

Sicko.

But back to baby bath books – when consuming Yummy Food, babies may occasionally put their fists in their mouths to keep from aforementioned “tongue reflex”. This poses a new problem: How can we turn pages with grubby hands? What if food drops on the book, necessitating our stuffing part of it in our mouths? Heck, sometimes, you just feel like eating a book.

Yes, dear reader, now you begin to understand. Baby Bath Books. Obviously made by someone in the know <turns book over> there I knew it – Baby Einstein. Before he became ancient and discovered the Theory of Relativity, there were Baby Bath Books.

Sometimes, Older Babies get caught in a riveting read and stay glued to the pages all the way into our paddle pool. Mustella Sensory Baby Bath is a wonderful way to relax after a fruitful mealtime, because it just smells so scrummy, and you can finish up your reading and loosen any leftover little bits of food that escaped wiping in the bath, before your Mummy does a final rinse-off in the shower. That takes only a minute or so – for both you and your bath books.

(Btw here’s a closeup of that picture at right – it’s Ko ko as an Older Baby of almost-12 months, showing off to a Perth resident on his first overseas trip, that he can stand up. He also used to show off that he could yell “Bee!” at the top of his lungs. He was such a smug one, wasn’t he? Fortunately he has now mellowed in old age and so I adore him.)

Of course, no blog post is complete without a pretty, model-y picture. So here you go:

Guest Blogger In Best Pensive Model-y Pose

Remember, dear readers: Baby Bath Books Are Your Friends. Your parents will thank you. And Older Babies Of The World Unite! Against The Mind-Freeze Of Inane Nursery Rhymes Everywhere!

Signed,

The Little Miss Rockstar.

(Because I happen to know stuff.)