#212
Rockstar: Mum. Me, Daddy, JD and the baby, who do you love best?
Me: Wah, how to choose between you guys? Then you leh, who do YOU love best?
Rockstar: Daddy. <pause> Cos he’s not around a lot, he’s always working. Come On. So what about you?
Me: I guess it used to be you when I only had one child, but now there’s Baby Rockstar I guess it’s both of you.
Rockstar: <nodding solemnly> Ok.
Me: And you’re fine with that.
Rockstar: Yeah I thought you would say that.
Me: What if I said I loved JD most?
Rockstar: <laughing> WHY?!
Me: Oh I don’t know, what if I’d said JD?
Rockstar: <still laughing> Then I don’t believe. She’s a dog.
Me: So sure it’s not JD… Ok what if I said Daddy?
Rockstar: <shrugs> That’s ok. Me too. He’s the one not around.
(No, I’m not going to put in his head I could possibly love his sister more than him or vice versa. Obviously this has not occurred to him, nor has it occurred to him to vie for us to love him more. His understanding is we love both equally, just that each has different needs right now, being of different ages.)
Rockstar has always favored his dad. My son hasn’t forgiven me my past life as a “yucky” little girl once. Not to mention I gave up an “exciting grownup job” to hang out at home, when the Rockstar is hungry to grow up and leave home. He is eyeing college. He can’t wait to go to school for longer hours. He can’t wait to get a job. How could I give all that up?
When the two males lock horns (which naturally happens during a brief period when Kings took over supervising school activities which I hope to eventually blog about), I mediate and explain away the misunderstanding. And with them it’s always a misunderstanding/ miscommunication, from whence two very similar hot tempers flare – whereupon Rockstar promptly forgets about me in the making up with the dad. Can’t remember when I stopped feeling hurt – you’d think it was maybe when I discovered I was pregnant again, but I think when it really sank in was when I really understood I was now a full-time parent. “Selflessness” is “different” in a work setting. I don’t think one can be similarly “punished” for it in the home (i.e. the rewards are greater). Because there is no price, no salary increase or work “credits” that can mitigate the best example or role model you’re trying to be for your children.
Then it comes naturally – you know, that disgustingly selfless bit you never knew you had in you, where you know it’s in your means to make your child happy, and not of the multi-Haagen Dasz variety. It’s when your child’s mood is because what he wants isn’t you but his dad – even when he sulks and won’t speak with him and you know that’s just ‘cos they locked horns and the younger male is still hurting. And you could soothe your own deep-seated insecurities born of a childhood where love could be withheld (for things like failing to achieve), or you could do better than you were shown how to.
My son wants his dad. Humph. I shall just have to go shopping. Net-a-porter.com is having a sale.
I find it very difficult to answer a question like who do I love more – my father or mother? yes, I may feel closer to my mother but that does not mean I love her more so I would say I love both equally because how in the world do we measure love? How about you? How would you answer the question about loving which parent more?
I believe Rockstar just misses his father more and he identifies with his father as he knows his father is a “boy” like him so he says he loves him more.
For the longest time hands down I would’ve said my mum. My dad and I were never close and he travelled a lot. Only very recently do we try to build the relationship.
Up until I was a young adult my mum had a very strong hold on me – career choice, boyfriend choice – everything, really. I can understand what that hold is like to a child, and to be honest it’s why I raise Rockstar differently. Not that I think my mum was totally wrong or even completely aware of it, but knowing how it affected how I thought and made decisions when I “should’ve known better,” it is one of the best gifts I believe I can give my children – to allow them to grow up their own person (with “constructive” but not overbearing input from me).
It’s nice to think of Rockstar’s thing with Kings that way, certainly the “boy” bit and “job” bit matter (typical Me Man. Me Bring Home Bacon. Grunt Grunt attitude) – so both men are in for a surprise when they watch me raise Baby Rockstar 😀
But to be honest there is also the fact Rockstar even from very young always stuck to the dad. And the dad to him. I learned how to handle Rockstar, get him to put his best foot forward – Kings had the luxury of being “allowed” more “misdemeanors” haha Even now I bear the brunt of angry, hurtful remarks (also another reason for the title of this post 🙂 The pragmatist in me would’ve been “This sucks, I’m going back to all the friends I don’t get to see as often, and maybe a paycheck,” and in fact I can be very coldly logical at work – but parenting is SO a different kind of work – someone has to be the “not fun parent” and Kings sucks at that job, so……
Your son is very lucky to have you as his mom. I’m sure it’s the same with your daughter too! 🙂
You are very kind. I’m blessed with two beautiful children, when I have friends who have been trying to get pregnant for so long – makes you try harder to appreciate your blessings…
Real parenthood, ie. one where the parents do their jobs instead of passing the job onto other people, is often a selfless and thankless one, and one that isn’t “rewarded” or appreciated greatly until the child is older.
Rockstar’s showing his awesome understanding of being a Big Brother and that his mummy’s love can be equally shared with his younger and (at the moment) much needier sister. This is testamant to the work, guidance and love that you, Aileen, and your hubby have been doing, so keep up the great work!
Thanks… I like what you said re “real parenthood” of younger children, I do find it a little comforting 🙂
Real parenthood, ie. one where the parents do their jobs instead of passing the job onto other people, is often a selfless and thankless one, and one that isn’t “rewarded” or appreciated greatly until the child is older.
Rockstar’s showing his awesome understanding of being a Big Brother and that his mummy’s love can be equally shared with his younger and (at the moment) much needier sister. This is testamant to the work, guidance and love that you, Aileen, and your hubby have been doing, so keep up the great work!