Rockstarism #389/ Miss Speak #74 – Some Days….. You Just Need To Stop Talking.

#389/ #74

Rockstar: Mum. D’you remember what the Miss’ name almost was? The one I picked?

Me: I only remember you once suggested we name her “Poop”. (Miss gives Rockstar a slightly wounded look.)

Rockstar: <flinches guiltily> No, no, I mean seriously. I suggested we name you ‘Amber’, Miss.

Miss: <thoughtfully> No, no I don’t like. I like ‘Miss’. <pause> Or…. ‘Fire’. You should have told Mummy (to name me) ‘Fire’, Ko-ko.

Rockstar: Oh yeah. How come I didn’t think of that.

Me: How come you two would think of that at all.

Miss: <patiently> I don’t like ‘Amber’, Mummy.

Me: But you both would agree on ‘Fire’? How is ‘Fire’ better? (Both of them look at me like they don’t know what my problem is.)

Rockstar: Well, I was almost ‘Ian’. Thank goodness I’m not ‘Ian’, right? (Miss nods)

Me: <defensive> What’s wrong with naming you ‘Ian’?

Miss: <patiently> He’s not ‘Ian,’ Mum-may. (Rockstar nods)

Me: But apparently you’re ‘Fire’? (Both of them nod)

Me: Tell you what. When you’re 18, you can go and change your name yourself. There is an actual person out there who changed his perfectly good name to ‘Trout Fishing In America.’ He goes by ‘Trout,’ for short. (Miss cheers).

Rockstar: Mum. Why’d you do that? 

Me: I… don’t know. You should’ve stopped me. Why didn’t you stop me?

Miss: <Imperiously> I’M GOING TO CHANGE MY NAME TO……… ‘ROCK-STAR.’ YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!

Rockstar: MUUUUMMM.

Me: I know. I’m sorry. Let’s hope it goes away soon.

Miss: <fake voice> My name is Wock-starrr. I like Mine-cwaft. <waves toy horse about>  

Me: (to Rockstar) Sorry darling. At least she didn’t say anything worse…

Rockstar: <groans> Nnnoooo. And I don’t even sound like that. 

Miss: <apparently deciding to give Rockstar a break><waves stuffed cat about> I Am…. A Dead Cat. <throws cat on bed> I don’t do anything.

Me: Well at least that’s not – well – no, wait. Actually, I don’t know which is worse. (To Rockstar) Can you remember whether it was ok for you at 3 to play with dead animals?

Rockstar: (To Miss) Where did you learn that?

Miss: I learned it from (one of her good buddies who is also 3+). 

Me: Ok, so at least there is one mummy in this world I can still call for playdates when word gets out you play Dead Animals.

Miss: <holds up Lego figure> I’m an animal doctor. I can wake Cat up. 

Rockstar: N-O, animal doctors wake sick animals up, not dead animals. When dead animals wake up they’re zombies. Zombies eat –

Me: STOP TALKING!!!

This is Rockstar counselling her about…. going to school one morning.

This is Rockstar counselling her about running shoes.

This is Rockstar counselling her to watch out for where the cars drive across some of their scooting lanes…

…But I draw the line at Brains-Eating Undead. Yes Plants v Zombies and Minecraft have zombies but those are cute zombies who are otherwise “just” any other monster. Someone needs to make a distinction between Cute Zombies (can we call them “Combies” with the C like “Celine”) that have somehow found their way into little kiddie games and HBO’s ultra gross Walking Dead.