Rockstarism #359 – Poetic License

#359

Excerpt from one of Rockstar’s recent writing exercises*:

Rockstar: Once there was a squid named iBallistic Squid. Unlike most squid, he could not swim… …One day he was playing with his friends when there was a knock on the door. When he opened it, lots of squid were jumping up and down yelling, “We want to be your relatives!” Then iBallistic Squid muttered, “How can this be? …”

Rockstar: At this point, a very big squid confidently made a speech: “Everybody, quiet! We have come to talk. We sent out spies in the land and it turns out iBallistic doesn’t have any relatives, so we shall all be his relatives!” iBallistic…. was so happy. …so now he lived like you, but not quite because he was a squid.  

Me: Uh… “He lived like you…”

Rockstar: “…only he was a squid.” So not totally like you. 

Me: Uh… iBallistic originally is a character with a wide open shark’s mouth, right? (Rockstar nods vigorously). He a shark named Squid or a squid with a shark’s head?

Rockstar: <pausing thoughtfully> Shark. Shark, actually. 

Me: Then how come the bunch of squid decided to adopt him? (Rockstar is already rolling his eyes before I finish – obviously he saw this coming). Oh, like Splinter and the Turtles.

...and Megan Fox. How could I forget Megan Fox??? (pic from screenrant.com)

…and Megan Fox. How could I forget Megan Fox??? (pic from screenrant.com)

<pause>

Me:  S-o…. does iBallistic have… tentacles?

Rockstar: <annoyed> It’s fiction, Mum!

Rockstar: <mutters> Also, in real life I’m kinda stuck with her <indicates the Miss stomping about on the bed near him> cos she’s my sister, right? I mean, you can choose the friends…   

Me: Dude, you just spent the last 90 minutes playing in the (filled bathtub) water with her.

Rockstar: Yeah. And now she’s annoying me. 

Me: Can’t even wait ’til she actually touches you?

(On cue, the Miss immediately flops with a cheerful smile into Rockstar’s lap and starts meowing, much to Rockstar’s exasperation…)

Me: Sorry, my bad.

Still.. They came up with this (together) when I asked them to pose for the camera...

Still.. They came up with this (together) when I asked them to pose for the camera…

 

*And for those of you who like that kinda stuff… His teacher had written that he had to watch the paragraphing and there was too much conversation (which probably got in the way of developing the storyline); also that he had to not get lost in his story, which he is supposed to plan first, before fleshing it out… The things kids learn at this age nowadays just continues to amaze me – can you imagine they already did onomatopoeia and alliteration…

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A Rockstar Guinea’s Work Is Never Done (Or, Carrots Under Fire)

The sequel to It’s Not Easy Being A Rockstar Guinea

The welcoming committee is both delighted and delightful.

The welcoming committee is both delighted and delightful.

(At least this time she read the memo about colour-coordinating outfits)

(At least this time she read the memo about colour-coordinating outfits. I think. Footwear’s still a little off.)

Now, it is arguably every rockstar’s dream to inspire through our art. I take this very seriously. (You would too, if you were a cute school pet with a funky hairdo.)

By now, my travel log is getting really, really full - and it's not even like EVERYONE who, I visit is obligated to fill it in...

By now, my travel log is getting really, really full – some entries are even written in fancy-wancy italics with one of those fancy-wancy pens. And it’s not even like EVERYONE whom I visit is obligated to fill this log in…

As you can imagine, a Rockstar Guinea’s work is never done.

Which is why - trust me - even while munching on my Welcome Snack I am thinking about work.

Which is why – trust me – even while munching on my Welcome Snack I am thinking about work. 

Me thinking about work while chewing on hay.

Me thinking about work while chewing on hay.

Me thinking about work in the bath.

Me thinking about work in the bath. (Tepid warm water and very diluted baby soap.)

Me thinking about work while socialising.

Me thinking about work while socialising.

(I fell asleep. This is how tough my life is. All those people who fall asleep at work – I UNDERSTAND! It is so exhausting, thinking about work all the time. And now you know what all those people falling asleep in the mini buses are thinking: Like me, they are thinking about WORK. Someone should email their bosses about raises. Everyone who is thinking about work until they fall asleep should get a raise. Ergo, everyone who is falling asleep must be thinking about work and should get a raise. See, technically my work here is dones. <dusts off paws>)

My Rockstar Entourage Staff are now working on capturing that illusive picture of me nodding off on these red steps. We think this would be a great public service message. Anyone wanting to sponsor billboards – call my staff. (If they don’t pick up after 3 rings and say the Secret Code, sounds something like “Safari Kid International”, call my other staff and tell them to call my staff.)

Every time my RES (that’s Rockstar Entourage Staff – write that down) clomp about with their big fat crocs however, my eyes fly back open just long enough to ruin the pic. I haven’t told them the real reason I do this, but I’m about to share it with you. Ready?

<whispers> Obviously, no one read the memo about my right side being better looking, Yes fans, believe it or not, there are STILL people who make rookie mistakes like try to take unflattering pics of me from my wrong side. I hope that by not rewarding this behaviour (with good poses for pics), they’ll learn to better themselves. As we all should.

A quick blow dry.... (People. WHICH side are you trying to capture???)

A quick blow dry…. (People. COME ON!! WHICH side again???)

And then it’s time for this Rockstar Guinea to go to work!

Today, I'm making a cameo at another rockstar's place.

Today, I’m meeting a new rockstar.

(Don’t worry, fans – although housecalls are not without risks, the mummies involved made sure I wasn’t handled too much – I had many “calm” breaks. There are simply no pictures of my “calm” breaks because how would you like an iPhone in your face possibly taking pictures of your unflattering side – when you are supposed to be on “calm” break? Exactly.)

Calm. See? I'm calm. WHERE'S MY CHEWING BLOCK calm.

Calm. See? I’m calm. WHO MOVED MY CHEWING BLOCK calm.

At least this one is a bit more CHALLENGING

At least this one is more reasonable . 

Can you imagine in the first attempt at a Jenga/ Uno Stacko maze they built a WALL of plastic blocks? Did they even check with my agents about insurance and my personal philosophy re Stunt Doubles?!

(Note: This is one way us Rockstar Guineas can inspire creativity. These kids are building mazes and structures in Who Moved My Chewing Block Broccoli Carrots. (I’m now too big a rockstar for broccoli. So write this down, peeps: I GET OUT OF BED FOR CARROTS.)

Well, d-uh.

Well, d-uh. They left the carrots too nearby. Broccoli Who?

This one was buzzed out though. There is like, NO WAY I can get to this without the pile falling on me. Have you SEEN my hairdo?

This one was buzzed out by the mummies. NO WAY I can get to this without the pile falling on me. Have you SEEN my hairdo?

Every rockstar should however plan their career moves.

Star Wars / Lego Movie thing

So I’m also auditioning for Star Wars / Lego Movie sequels.

Gotcha, Carrot.

Gotcha, Carrot.

I call my latest audition demo Carrots Under Fire. Love Meg Ryan with that weird army voice. Sigh.

Well that’s all we have time for, this has been…..

The Rockstar Guinea.

ps: Remember, people: Keep It Real. And… Carrots Under Fire! <fist pump. If I could make fists.>

**”Rockstar Guinea” on weekdays is the Safari Kid school pet who is part of their curriculum, encouraging children to develop nurturing skills, and finding new ways to learn…   

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One Of Those Not So Weekends

1) It’s not Shakespeare, but not for the reasons you think….. 50 Shades Of OMG ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?! written by The Mummy Blogger Who Was A Pretty Wild Teen Mum And Is Now Also A Missionary. She blogs about talking about sex with her eldest son, who is in his early 20s. AND it’s not cringe-worthy.

My personal lazy opinion (having not read the book) is when fashion mags like Harpers’ Bazaar (US) published socialites’ reviews of the book sometime back, the whole 50 Shades phenomenon in entertainment was still kinda……. cool? In a forbidden fruit way? And then it got way too hyped. In the Miley Cyrus Dance Moves way.

And in case you need an extra reason why I would mention this:

Taken off Jamie's blog. Like, how does this person not come off as "reverse-selfish". He OWNS her orgasms?!

Things that make ya go “HMMMMMMM.”

All of them belong to him?!

2) But wait – Jamie wrote a follow up post – A Missionary’s Position To 50 Shades Of Grey. Here’s an excerpt:

The problem with this book is not that it’s about rough sex or BDSM or bedroom fetishes, it’s that if we want to enter into that kind of space with another human being, we should probably try to get there through mutual trust and relational intimacy………. ………not under threat of rejection.
There is bullying and abuse in 50 Shades of Grey, but I don’t really think it happens in the bedroom. It happens when a rich, powerful, good-looking man exerts his money, power, and good looks to get his way without the permission of the woman he wants to bone…….
“…...Quite frankly, the only way 50 Shades of Grey could have gotten so big is that we consciously chose to ignore the icky underlying message of the story – that a woman should feel grateful to oblige a demanding, controlling, severely broken man if he’s hot and rich – because we were too busy enjoying the sexy parts…….
……”There is bullying…… but I don’t really think it happens in the bedroom.” No,  Jamie, no I don’t think it does either. And I agree the whole S&M thing is just distracting from something that could be a lot more thought-provoking. But well, even Shakespeare threw in “Sick Sex” (look at Hamlet). It sells. (See what happens when I try to write something “sexy”? BUZZZZZZZ.)

The good looking powerful man is cliched, and such is human nature, regardless of whether it’s a male or female, but there is something to a storyline about threat of rejection, just in different forms. While 50 Shades explores threat of rejection through a couples setting, someone in power bullying someone vulnerable isn’t so much just “icky” but….. no, actually there are no words. Threat of rejection, which I expand to encompass a deliberate with-holding of love is a possibly far more thought-provoking or powerful theme in………. you guessed it. Parenting. (Well what d’you expect, I’m a parenting blogger not a couples relationship blogger :D)

Here’s a (mostly) unrelated example I arrived at from various parenting books  and articles – it has to do with the massive difference between “effective” parenting of olde vs today: Perhaps one of the most “effective” archaic tools in (tiger) parenting, to get a child to “perform,” or “do what the parent wants,” is to “withhold love”. Or orchestrate the Fall From Favour. (The “You are no longer The Favourite. Your sibling is The Favourite because they have done what I want”.)

Arrived at via Christian Grey no less, but seriously – now you can see some similarities, right?

3) Not so much a link, more a shout out about the Training In Effective Parenting Communication Skills course I learned about via Rockstar’s school (a.k.a. No Yelling Coaching :D) For real though, Katherine Sellery and Claryss Nan Jamieson teach the “Guidance” approach – here’s a quick e.g.: When your child “acts up” so to speak, they are trying to meet a need. See yourself as a detective, looking for Clues and Cues, following a Breadcrumb Trail to the root of the issue. Be aware that when you interpret Clues and Cues, you are seeing it through your eyes, coloured by your experiences and impressions (and really, whether you’ve had your latte for the day :D)

I hope I put it correctly. It’s for relatively a lot of hours, but I’ve found the several seminars/ workshops so far to be pretty useful. You learn a lot. You learn to think differently. Plus, dynamics with the other mums magnifies the effect, because of the “case studies,” so you may want to ask like-minded mum friends along too…)

4) OK change subject – hardly very icky: The Secret Life Of Superhero Toys.

Dis is cutes.

Dis is cutes. Unless they really hurt the mouse.

5) Dis is also cute: 86 Year Old Woman Sends Letter To Bank. Don’t suppose anyone cares if she hurt the bank 😀 This is here though, because I thought it was a great mental exercise in creativity, seeing as she’s 86 and all (hope I’m not next in line to get one-a these letters for sounding condescending :P)

6) Best illustration of the misuse of quotation marks to your kids. Kind of. Caveat on the use of some “words” though 😉

Says it all.

Says it all.

Says more.

Says more.

7) For a change, JD and Rockstar have the skit this week, titled Spot The Dog And Rockstar after the old game we used to play whereby one of us puts JD on Sit or Down/Stay and we see how long it takes everyone else to spot her.

Where they?

Where they?

Dere They.

Dere They. (Kudos to the store for letting JD in, it’s a NICE store and there are a few other customers).

Have a good week ahead dears…

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Miss-Speak #39 – The Brazen One

#39

If I buy frozen yoghurt home from the food court, Rockstar usually doesn’t finish a full cup (even the “small” serving size we find quite big) and will put the rest in the freezer. To this end, I try not to give the Miss her entire frozen yoghurt in one sitting either. The Miss of course has other ideas…

Miss: (After she’s finished a second helping of several tablespoons; there’s still about half left in the freezer) WHERE’S MY YOG-HURT!!

Me: (Showing her Rockstar’s unfinished cup from the freezer) Look, see how much Ko-ko still has. He doesn’t eat that much in one sitting either…

Miss: Oh. <looks in Rockstar’s cup thoughtfully> <brightens> Give ME. AHHHH. <opens mouth wide>

(Rockstar snorts and rolls his eyes)

(This is actually the Miss' impersonation of either Macaulay Culkin or Edvard Munch's Scream... She was very sporting because she pleased to be mentioned in his recent assignment (:D he had written "I can't stand when she screams," which she considers quite the compliment))

(This is actually the Miss’ impersonation of either Macaulay Culkin or Edvard Munch’s Scream… She was very sporting because she pleased to be mentioned in his recent assignment (:D he had written “I can’t stand when she screams,” which she considers quite the compliment))

A-and it’s officially Fruity Friday in school today! Since they announced it, Rockstar has been looking forward toget this – buying an apple off the playground. Freak boy. 

(And this is the attitude-driven face I get from him when he knows I'm trying to send a random pic of him to the dad)

(And this is the attitude-driven face I get from him when he knows I’m trying to send a random pic of him to the dad)

ps: The fund-raising Bake Sales at school are one of the few times Rockstar actively seeks out a cupcake… Something about the novelty of him and his buddies getting to choose something to buy and eat together I guess, though he has also come back saying they all decided to go play instead, when the queue was too long…

So anyway I never thought about it before, but now they’re doing it with fruit I really hope it takes off, because it sounds like a great way to get kids more enthusiastic about fruit as well… (Not… that they don’t periodically have Learning Units where their lunch boxes are checked over and their eating choices “rated” green, orange or red in past, just hopefully the novelty of actively choosing fruit together on the playground takes off as well..)

And… For the record, I’m actually not tha-at anal about food, compared to some of my friends. Sure I read labels, but some of the Malaysian (not American, a la Michelle Obama-style :D) mums I know here 1) really, REALLY go all-organic (and I mean. All); 2) choose stuff that has less that 3 “E-something” preservatives; 3) make sure their kids “have all the ‘colours’ on their plate”. Right off the bat, items 1-3 are by 3 different mums here. It’s not like OMG My Child Ate A Tictac!! Detox!! Detox!! But – guys, am I right to say there are “Junk Holidays”? i.e. when the kids ingest any junk it’s kind of Ok. This is like what happens in Vegas (stays in Vegas). And we will be returning to *normal* lives after this.

(In case you’re wondering: I like “Squeezies.” Very convenient to carry around and you can easily substitute them for sugar-laden juice or flavoured milk, they’re mess-free with caps you can put back on (but either refrigerate the moment you get home or get your toddler to finish it in one go – I usually do the latter), many have all-organic ingredients and a mix of veggies your kid might not willingly eat on their own, along with blended fruit and water. Not sugar, not juice, but water. And nothing else.)   

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“Look, Ma – No Photoshop!” – featuring murals of Muntri, Armenian, Ah Quee, and Cannon Street of Georgetown Penang

Inspired by Rockstar’s school learning unit about art – you see, Rockstar normally doesn’t really like producing “art”, in the sense left to his own devices, he uses few colours and usually ends up with what look more like labelled “diagrams,” science nut that he is… So this is dedicated to inspiring and interesting new ways of learning things.

Graffiti: Art or nuisance? It depends doesn’t it? There is a moment before the paint hits the canvas; breathe right and you can change the way the painting looks. 

I've SEEN her on some popular website or other: the "Little Girl In Blue." Offhand I thought it was Bored Panda...

Dis is art: The CNY Ker-splat.

I've SEEN her on some popular website or other: the "Little Girl In Blue." Offhand I thought it was Bored Panda but I quick search doesn't turn it up...

I’ve SEEN her on some popular website or other: the “Little Girl In Blue.” Offhand I thought it was Bored Panda but it doesn’t turn up in a quick search…

Friend of Rockstar’s Who Demonstrates Magic Tricks In School – This One’s For You 😉

Now you see him.........

Now you see him holding postcards………

Now you still see him. With "Where AM I ??! D-uh face..."

Now you still see him. With “Where AM I ??! D-uh face…”

Well then, how did he do that, and with no Photoshop either…

Did you catch that? Do it again...

Did you catch that? Do it again…

Poof! He even has this HK Scouts baseball cap Kings gave him, which he wears all the time

Poof!

"For my next trick, I shall Kung fu my way into this one..."

“For my next trick, I shall Kung fu my way into this one…”

(Magicians never reveal their secrets :)

(Magicians never reveal their secrets 🙂

The Miss adds her two cents:

The Miss adds her two cents: "Da Grandpa's ride is bigger than MY ride..."

“Da Grandpa’s ride is bigger than my ride…”

"AND so much cooler"

“AND so much cooler! Lookit all da COLOURS!”

"The trishaw uncle provides extra umbrellas to shade your lovely self"

“The trishaw uncle even provides extra umbrellas to shade your lovely self”

(Regardless, we would’ve horsed around with more pics if we weren’t avoiding the worst of the sun…)

And – and –

"What is WRONG with these tourists?!"

“What is WRONG with the tourists?!”

Obligatory spin past historic Fort Cornwallis before heading back…

Dis issa cannon.

Dis issa cannon.

Dis issa Pigeon Bath.

Dis issa Pigeon Bath.

PUBLIC Pigeon Bath. Like the Romans had. In Rome. For Romans. But this is with pigeons. (No….. I don’t really know why I typed that.)

And dis is Barney.

And dis is Barney.

At least I know why I typed that. It is Barney.

We pass what must be one of the Little India streets...

We pass what must be one of the Little India streets…

...and I wish I had time to look for beads and cloth... (Btw - little known fact - I've worn Salwar Khameez and Sari in college for dinners - they were gifts from my Indian Scholar friends at Nanyang Tech Uni in Singapore.... it's also when I learned to tie a Sari...)

…and I wish I had time to look for beads and cloth…for craft (Btw – little known fact – I’ve worn Salwar Khameez and Sari in college for dinners – they were gifts from my Indian Scholar friends at Nanyang Tech Uni in Singapore…. it’s also when I learned to tie a Sari…)

There's what I consider a thriving Chindian community (Chinese+Indian mix)... Two of my best friends growing up are Chindian (and gorgeous) and another of my best friends has Chindian kids ;)

There’s what I consider a thriving Chindian community (Chinese+Indian mix)… Two of my best friends growing up are Chindian (and gorgeous) and another of my best friends has Chindian kids 😉

And then…

Dis is art. I'm talking' about the "Funny Egg Ice Cream" and "Brown Sugar.... What?" Of course I am.

Dis is art. I’m talking’ about the “Funny Egg Ice Cream” and “Brown Sugar…. What?” right next to the mural like it SO belongs there as part of the thing…

Which is around here, with a small street where you can souvenir shop ( we didn't really)

Which is around here, with a small street where you can souvenir shop

And I don't know what kind of pose this is. He's brandishing two ballpoint pens shaped like guns that he found at one of the tourist stalls.

And I don’t know what kind of pose this is. He’s brandishing two ballpoint pens shaped like guns that he found at one of the tourist stalls.

And that’s all she wrote, baby.

Rockstar pretending to be a asleep...

Rockstar pretending to be asleep…

ps: We paid RM 20 (about HKD 48) per 30 minute ride which stops as long as you like; the trishaw drivers have itemised maps so you can pick where you want to go, and we selected a bunch of murals (and Fort Cornwallis)… When the ride lasted longer, we weren’t pushed very hard to pay extra (and didn’t have to)… There’s some tourists posing with the murals, but surprisingly really not that many…

More details of the murals on the streets at onlypenang.com; more street art inspiration here, off Bored Panda..

 

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Tiger In The Air

photo 1-186

You guys flown Tiger Air before? No tv in the seats on either flight for us (the MAS – yes, that’s Malaysian Airlines – connecting flight we took however was on a much newer plane with nice tech but then you can’t do that much in an hour), but the food is yums. Oh wait, lemme get all obscure and stuff <clears throat><adopts more show biz-worthy stance, whatever that means>

Food Bloggers: Your Job Is Not Safe.

photo 3-140

photo 2-181

For real, though – I hate the amount of food wasted in those pre-packaged “full square meal” – type trays. Not everyone eats the shrimp salad heavy on the Thousand Island, or the whipped cream pudding, but everyone gets one. (Also, you’re charged for it, but that’s another story… Ever feel… Obliged to finish something off, especially something that’s not tha-at good for you that – and this is the key – you don’t particularly crave or want to eat anyway – either because it’s just Right There in front of you, or you… feel a bit bad about all those starving children around the world who don’t get one.

And it looks…. like budget airline food (below), but tastes quite nice. To me. Maybe I’m pregnant.

photo 2-180

BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Gotcha.

Okok. For that, lemme then also point out that I didn’t do some boh liau thing to keep you in suspense and come back for more either. Looks like I don’t really….. blog blog. I only… write 🙂

Well anyway, back to the food. Y’know, Rockstar polished off the Moroccan Vegetarian; the above Soy Sauce Chicken the Miss fed herself. When she eventually ate. Up until I opened foot inserted mouth re…….

photo 1-187

Dis! What – what. Is. Dis?!

The Rockstars love the mandarin orange ones; the other ones n-ot so much. We learned that the first time we ordered it.

photo 3-139

 

I know I know. “Rich in vitamin C” alone does not a good snack make. Neither does “100% Apple Juice”.

Nope, there’s not going to be a “but”. That’s just some of what we ate on the flight <shrugs>

And I’m supposed to post a pic of the Rockstars right, so here goes. A promise of more eye candy to come.

photo 3-141

Very pretty?

I like dis one better.

photo 5-58

Attitude siah.

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Gong Xi Gong Xi

 

The Miss has got this one….. 

photo 3-125

 

GONG XI FA CAI HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR TA RA TA RA TA RAAAAAAAAA!

(Ps: Yes that’s Rockstar’s hand-me-down Jacadi jacket she’s wearing over wool tights 🙂

Blast from the past (I KNOW! Chubby cheeked Rockstar when he was about the same age as she is now!)

Blast from the past (I KNOW! Chubby cheeked Rockstar when he was about the same age as she is now!)

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A Thing About Girl Circus Toddlers

When Rockstar was in Kindy, we were on playdate when one of his friends literally shunned his way up a single pole and ended up hanging straight down from a horizontal bar with his feet dangling about 3 feet above the floor. “Mummeeeeeee!” Rockstar’s friend yelled, because he now found himself too high above the floor to let go. As his mum went to catch him, me and another mum exchanged goggle-eyed glances – neither of our own kids ever did that. “Yeah he’s very strong, he can pull himself with almost just his upper body strength,” Daniel’s mum remarked, with a mixture of mild pride and matter-of-fact this-is-my-accident-prone-life-ness. I couldn’t fathom that until now. Only, it’s not my boy child who does things like that:

photo 1-176

In honour of my mums-of-girls friends who do things like sunnily tell their male companions at primary school interviews, “See you again, next time I won’t beat you up!”

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Rockstarism #358 – THE SCREAM

One of Rockstar’s UOI (Unit Of Inquiry) homework assignments…

photo 2-177

 

He said, “Expressionism is showing (in art) what you feel, not just what you see.” Ergo, “My drawing will be what my sister makes me feel when she screams. I can’t stand the noise!!!”  And Munch’s quote about trying to appeal to our other senses by naming a sunset after a sound to try and magnify the effect…

 

photo 1-182

 

 

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They Got Me On Camera…

Another one of those stories about living here… 

Borrowed random sign about cameras (this one's not in our development though)

Borrowed random sign about cameras (this one’s not in our development though)

Several weeks ago, one of our lobby receptionists conspiratorially approached me. “‘Someone’ in your household was caught on camera letting your dog pee in a public area. We wanted to let you know before you receive the letter in which you will be slapped with a HKD 750 fine.”

‘Of course’ it must be our helper. After all, we don’t remember doing that, right? “If we really get fined she needs to be charged something for it,” Kings says. Our helper did not agree. “Sometimes really cannot see, is not my fault.”

Calling the manager for more details, the timing doesn’t add up. That’s the time I walk JD while dropping Rockstar off for Chinese tuition. But… I’ve never even seen her do anything on the pavement like they said she did, on camera or no (that I know, she always does it in grass near where they have the “official” doggy toilets, because of the smell – I mean, obviously we worked on this from competition days, it’s an immediate disqualification to mark the pitch). And from the time log it was a dark and cold night, not even broad daylight. How could they be so sure?

AND the dog was with me at the time, not our helper.

For weeks I look out for the letter. They’ve got pictures. The whole bunch of staff saw it, they’ve been gingerly stepping around The Lady Whose Dog Peed On Camera. (Thank God it wasn’t the kids 😀 kidding.)

When it arrives, they’re not kidding. The thick envelope contains a letter 5, 6 pages long in two languages and with words like “legal action” and “maintenance fee.” And there in the appendix, are photos of me and Rockstar.

For two days I’m too mortified to really look at the pictures. Finally, when I do………. They don’t look quite right. In the screen dump, JD is in the wrong place from where the soiled pavement has been circled. And again, I have absolutely no recollection of that ever happening – it wasn’t like she did it and I quickly scuttled off so I wouldn’t have to clean it up. I search my memory for any time I might have impatiently run off without pouring water to dilute the dog’s pee. Nothing.

“I’m sorry, but the stills don’t look quite right. May I see the tape please?” It’s just… not only do I not have any recollection of ever seeing her do that, she crouches often, not every time does she actually do something.” (JD even as a young dog had a dodgy, sensitive stomach.)

I’m on school run for one of the kids and when I pass the desk about 20 mins later, the receptionist calls over, “Tape’ll be ready by 3pm at this desk. Ok, sure.

It’s 3.10pm when my cellphone rings repeatedly. “We’re waiting. And with the tape. You going to reach back soon or what?”

Oops. I thought she meant I can view it at her desk any time from 3 (because that was what we did previously). Can we call back? More profuse apologies (on my part). When the Miss and I finally get back, another uniformed attendant is waiting with a large laptop.

“Can you see it? Your dog is……. right there. Left corner of the screen.”

I have to squint and follow her finger, the light is bad, it’s dark, but………. JD scrabbles literally less than two seconds to deposit a mark (not the larger watermark I initially thought they were highlighting, it’s actually a much smaller trickle. Literally, a mark. But it’s unmistakeable. Amazing the eagle eyed attendant who goes over all these tapes, whoever he or she was, still caught it. I have to follow the attendant’s finger closely or I would miss it altogether. “<apologetically> See, you never saw it. She did it literally walking behind you as you turned to watch your son.” 

photo 1-183 photo 2-178

It became obvious they’d all watched (not just, as I initially assumed, the single attendant who spoke to me) when I submitted the requested apology letter (yes, they required one!) because after being unable to find the original attendant when I printed it out, I tentatively approached other staff who immediately cut me off with “Yes yes we are aware…” Oh. Just as well I also came clean to the helper that it wasn’t her, she was relieved and said Wah and they can catch that within a couple seconds when it’s not even a busy period…

And well, here’s the text of the letter I had to draft to management. They cced our new landlord too; I have to get round to sending a copy there as well…

To Whom It May Concern,

With reference to letter dated xxxxxx and earlier conversations with your management: When the issue was initially brought to our attention, I assumed responsibility irrevocably for the aforementioned act, and endeavoured to issue a formal written apology and a assurance that this would not happen again. 

This letter with the CCTV stills was misplaced among my husband’s office mail and as such I only saw the pictures two days ago (for this I apologise as well.) I requested to view the video because I had absolutely no recollection of the incident in the stills. I am impressed by the efficiency at which the video was then made available for viewing, that afternoon.

From the subsequent video, it is clear that we were completely unaware the dog had relieved herself on the pavement in the split second she crouched behind us to do so that evening. For the oversight and subsequent trouble in cleanup, we do apologize unreservedly. As this is a first time offense and we received no prior warning, we do appeal for the costs to be waived, however we also accept the contents of the video. 

Thanks and regards.

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